#bless Ellie for being so understanding and wonderful

[netherfeildren]

FEAR OF GOD: Chapter VIII: The Fisher King

Series Masterlist ; Moodboard

Pairing: Joel Miller x OFC

Summary: Teach me how to ask for forgiveness, even when I know I don’t deserve it. 

Rating: Explicit 18+

Content Warnings: angst; PTSD; very brief mention of infertility in the first section, description of injury

A/N: Art is Breach by Keith Perelli (2006-2007)

Word Count: 4.2K

Read on AO3

CHAPTER VII: The Fisher King

But still. Still.

Bless me anyway.

I want more life. I can’t help myself. I do.

I’ve lived through such terrible times, and

There are people who live through much worse, but… You see them living

anyway. When they’re more spirit than body, more sores, than skin, when they’re

burned and in agony, when flies lay eggs in

the corners of the eyes of their children,

they live. Death usually has to take life 

away. I don’t know if that’s just the animal. 

I don’t know if it’s not braver to die. But I 

recognize the habit. The addiction to being 

alive. We live past hope. If I can find hope

anywhere, that’s it, that’s the best I can do.

It’s so much not enough, so inadequate but

…Bless me anyway. I want more life.

-Tony Kushner, Angels in America

“Do you think you’ve been happy, so far?” you ask her one night. 

“I think so, yes. Have you?” Her answer is immediate. She’d never been one for much indecision – that was always your role.

“Yes. At times. I’ve also been very sad.”

“Me too.” You can hear it now, that sadness, in the quietness of her voice.

“I hope we can be happy in the future. That we’ll be together, always.” The two of you are laying under the stars, hidden in the forest, in your old sleeping bags. She says the trees guard you, keep you safe. If you’d had more experience, you’d have felt very close to death in that moment. 

“We will be. Don’t worry about that.”

“I don’t want either of us to die,” and you can hear how young you sound, how naive. Despite all you’ve been through, you’ve not been able to let go of that part of yourself. When you’re older you will think that, perhaps, that was not such a bad thing. 

“We won’t. That won’t happen.”

“You can’t know that.”

“Yes, I can. I have a plan. If we stick to it, we’ll be okay.”

“Alright.” Your trust in her is implicit, after all. 

She is very quiet for a while after that, you think she’s fallen asleep, but then suddenly: “You know, I can’t have children.” 

“How do you know?”

“Things were off – Dad was able to run some tests.” That sadness is there again, echoing in her voice, and it is a very painful thing to hear from someone you love so much – someone you know would want that for themselves. 

“I’m sorry.” For there is nothing else to be said in light of such a tragedy for her. She would make a wonderful mother.

“It makes me really sad.” There’s quiet again, for a long time, but then: “I know it’s a terrible world. Not safe – but still… It makes me very sad.” 

“I’ll have one for the both of us. We can share.”

One of the last times you ever hear her laugh – you should have cherished the sound more – branded it in your memory. “I’d like that.”

Beth is dead two days later. 

-

He sits by your sick bed for days. Shrouded in darkness, he lets his fear, his nightmares swallow him whole – the great gaping maw of a monstrous dream come to fruition. He thinks of Sarah’s mother, his ex-wife, for some reason – can’t understand why she comes to his mind in this moment, honestly. He hasn’t thought about her in decades, that woman he’d known so long ago – can hardly remember her face now. It makes him indescribably sad.

He’s trying to prevent his mind from dissociating. To keep himself present, in case you wake, in case you need him. But the sight of you, small and pale and broken. So still. It fractures his mind in a way he cannot understand. The days of you being lost – of his mad flight to find you, out with teams of hunters, combing the forest for any sign of you, the way he’d screamed at Maria and Tommy and Ellie and anyone else who got too close, spoke too loudly. He’d been extremely close to violence, of the unimaginable sort. That terrible last night, his own destruction, flashing over and over and over in his mind, the things he’d said to you. He could not compare the terror to anything else he’d ever experienced before. The pure horror of that being the last memory you’d ever have of him, of coming across your dead, mangled body, of never seeing your bright, unguarded smile again – in decades filled with fear, day in and day out, he now felt he’d been infected with the most unimaginable of diseases. A stabbing, bone melting pain to his mind, his heart, his flesh, again and again, all of his own making. 

This is his fault. He did this to you. Pushed you away. Made you feel like you needed to flee, escape him. He wants to be angry with you for being so stupid, for going out there without him. But how could he not understand it – for what choice did he give you? That you’d prefer to face the monsters out there, rather than the one inside, the one in front of you – rather than him. He thinks he too would rather face the horrors out there, a thousand infected, than face himself. Face his own guilt, his own shortcomings. 

He still isn’t speaking to Maria – can barely look at her. He’d told her if you were dead it’d fall on her head. That he’d blame her for it forever. It was a viciously unfair, nasty thing to throw at her when he’d been the one to push you away, the one to tell you to leave, when this was really all his fault alone. 

He thinks of Tess – how he’d not been able to keep her safe either, all that time ago. A regret so profound, he’s sure he’ll swim in it for the rest of his miserable life. 

Ellie had said sending you away that night had perhaps been the worst thing he’d ever done. The sight of you in this bed proves that fact, and he is filled with a rage so black, so all consuming, it cripples him, will send him to his grave if you don’t come out of this. 

He hasn’t slept in days. Merely closing his eyes to rest his racing mind a few moments at a time. The baby you’d had with you has been with Maria. Tiny, squealing, rageful thing that she is. She only quiets when Maria brings her into your room, lays her beside your sleeping form. As if she knows already, even now, that the best place in the entire world is at your side. He closes his eyes in the quiet interminable moments of waiting and tries to picture Sarah’s mother in his mind. To remember her face. He cannot. There’s only a flash of dark curls. The sound of her voice, gone to time. All he can conjure with clarity is the image of Sarah’s smiling face that last morning he’d spent with her. His most precious memory. Something he exercises in his mind every morning when he wakes, lest, he too, forget that. He wonders if she’s still alive, what happened to her after the outbreak. He hopes she survived – hopes she lived a life not too full of terrible, painful things. Although, he isn’t entirely sure there exists any other version of this life anymore. He hopes he can find it, if it does, and give it to you, if you’ll let him.

He looks back at your resting form. The welts and scrapes that had marred the side of your face are healing well. The swelling receding into angry bruising. Nancy was worried you’d sustained a head injury, as an explanation for your prolonged unconsciousness, but neither the bones in your face, nor your skull were broken. Perhaps only a mild concussion, she thought. It inclined her to believe this was simply a side effect of the blood loss you’d endured from the wound in your side, the exhaustion and trauma.

Joel thinks he might become a religious man after this. Thinks he might start going to church, prostrating himself at the effigy of the cross to thank whatever higher power there exists for bringing you back to him, keeping you alive, allowing him another chance to see that smile, even if it’s never directed at him again. Because that is something else he is terribly afraid of. That his last words to you that night, will be the only thing you’ll ever be able to remember of him. All you’ll ever be able to see of him, going forward. He is so, so afraid of the consequences of his own terrible actions. Terrified that the moment he cast you away will be the only moment the two of you live in together for the rest of your lives.

And he thinks: Joel Miller, you are a man made up of fears. 

-

The first thing you see when you finally open your eyes again are his hands. They’re scarred. Tiny, faded marks of a life past, marring the lines of a map of all his pain, his history. Your body hurts, one large throbbing bruise. But the fire in your shoulder, the muscles of your back and arm, has abated. You say a silent prayer of thanks that you’d been able to keep from straining it more. Any more damage and you’d have probably lost function of the limb entirely.

His eyes are closed, his temple pressed against his fist on the arm of the chair pulled up to your bedside. The house is entirely silent – dark and peaceful. You stretch your legs under the blankets, no terrible amount of pain, and his eyes spring open immediately at the subtle sound of your shifting. So attuned to you, that the mere rustling of the sheets brings him to wakefulness. You watch the dilation of his pupils, everything else frozen in place. Head still resting against his fist, he stares at you wide eyed and unblinking. You take in his face – his eyes are bloodshot and rimmed in the harsh purple bruising of exhaustion. His too long, messy curls lie limply across his forehead. He looks haggard, wrung dry. The most defeated you’ve ever witnessed him. Neither of you say anything as you study the other. He still hasn’t moved and the look in his eyes – afraid, resigned, like you’re a predator about to come in for the kill strike. 

You feel indescribably sad for him, seeing him like this. Brought down low. It’s wrong. Not an image of the Joel you know that should exist in the world. You’re sure you mustn’t look much better. Broken, the both of you, in this shared moment. You slowly start to slide your palm across the bed towards him, and like a flip bringing him back to life, he melts onto the ground from the chair. Coming to kneel on the floor at the edge of the bed, he grasps your outstretched hand and presses his forehead into your palm, his grasp so, so gentle. His other hand snakes up, under the blankets to grip your bare knee in his warm palm, his thumb slowly sweeps over the bend.

His shoulders begin to jerk, in tiny little gasps. He’s crying.

“I was so afraid.” It is choked and guttural, a confession of the highest order, an admission of weakness, a supplication for mercy, for forgiveness. 

You know that his words are all encompassing. He was afraid that night, when the two of you were attacked, when he told you he loved you, when he sent you away, when he couldn’t find you. He’s been afraid for decades, since the moment he met you, since the moment his daughter died. Your heart cleaves in two at the sight of his defeat. The hot slide of his tears through the spaces between your fingers, pooling in the cup of your palm, the liquid feel of them burns you, incites a violence in your heart to rise up at the sight of his suffering, of his pain. But you say nothing. Too weighed down by your own terror, your own pain. 

By the prospect of having to tell him the truth. The secret you’ve been carrying with you, that you’re pregnant. Terrified of his reaction. Of his possible rejection. For it isn’t just you anymore that would feel the loss of him. There’s two, three, of you now. And you’re terrified of having to ask him to bear this with you. Don’t want to have to ask. And part of you knows, is positive, that he’ll be there for you without you ever having to even ask. That there would be no question of it. No other alternative. That if anything else, the man before you is honorable and good – despite his violence, despite his sins, despite his fear, he is good. He would never abandon you to face this alone. But still, you’re afraid. Just as he is, just as he has been. So you say nothing, simply bring your other hand up to cup the back of his bent head. 

There are no words that could fit in the quiet space of your room in that moment – so swollen is it with all your shared fears, all the things left unsaid. You let him cry. 

-

Ellie finds him sitting on his front porch, guitar in hand, strumming gently – a mug sits by his side. There is no fight to be had now, this she knows. Perhaps no reconciliation, either – not at this moment. But there is much to be said, still, or even perhaps, merely silence to be shared. This is her olive branch. In the days since your disappearance, and then since you’d been found, recovering, she’s had a lot of time to think. To consider her choices. 

“Hey.” The look on his face as he watches her walk up guts her – so full of reluctantly glad surprise. 

“What’re you drinking?”

“Coffee.”

Of course. “Where’d you get that?”

“Uh… those people that came through last week. A little embarrassed as to what I had to trade to get it, but … it’s not bad.”

“Oh,” she’s slightly at a loss for what to say, how to continue. Their once easy banter seems so unreachable with so much laying between them. “You need to stop harassing Jesse about my patrols.”

“Okay,” he says succinctly – like he’s not going to take her incendiary bait. He looks away, considering what he’s about to say next. “Dina. Is she your girlfriend?”

And nope, she sure as fuck hadn’t been expecting that one. “No! She – That was just one kiss. It doesn’t mean anything,” she denies, referring to the kiss he’d accidentally witnessed last night when he was on his way home from trying to see you. “She just… I don’t know why she did that.”

He tilts his head contemplatively, gives her a knowing look. “You do like her.”

“I’m so stupid.”

“Look, I have no idea what that girl’s intentions are, but I do know that she would be lucky to have you.”

And she knows she told herself she didn’t come here to fight, but he’s so damn aggravating and nosy, she can’t help it. “You’re such an asshole!”

“I’m not trying to –”

“Just – just leave it.” She snaps, looking out at the dark road. “Have you been in to see her today?” Veering towards less conflictive ground. 

“Nancy didn’t let me in, said they were both restin’.” He drags his hand tiredly over his face, “Haven’t had much of a chance to talk at all.”

“But before… how’s she been?”

“On the mend – tired, I think. Nance said she’s recovering well. But quiet. She– she doesn’t much want to see me, to be honest …” Maria had said you’d been withdrawn. Not really wanting to see anyone besides Nancy and the baby.

“That was – When we couldn’t find her… Scared the fuck out of me.”

He looks down into his mug of coffee, his jaw shifting side to side, “Yeah… yeah. I– it was–” She knows he can’t discuss it, can’t even voice the terror that gripped him at the thought of losing you. Something about the confirmation of knowing how much he loves you, settles something within Ellie. Reinforces the resolve in her heart. 

“Not just for her though. I was scared for you too.” The look he gives her then – she sees that flicker of desolation she was so scared he’d be lost to forever if you’d not come back – if you’d died. There isn’t much left in Ellie that’s overly sentimental, but she could cry at the relief of knowing you’re okay, the both of you. 

“Kate’s cute as fuck,” she smiles. 

“She is… got those big blue eyes.”

“What are you gonna do? With them?”

“Not much I can do, I guess. ‘Cept take care of ‘em. Keep ‘em alive. If she’ll have me…”

“Love them,” she adds, and he hums in agreement, tilting his head a bit. No point in hiding it, he’s gone soft, everyone knows now, might as well embrace it. Put up a sign. “Well,” she continues, “We both know you’re good at doing that, at least,” her eyes are full of laughter, full of memories. “Taking care of misbehaving girls that can’t ever do what they’re told.”

“Don’t sell yourself short, kiddo. You listened sometimes.”

“Yeah…” she chuckles, “You’re right, there was the rare occasion.” Her grin is roguish.. 

“Guess I’ve got enough practice ‘bout now, don’t I?

She goes suddenly serious, “Do you ever feel ashamed? When you remember what you did?” The question is abrupt, as if she wasn’t expecting herself to ask, but couldn't help it. She could be referring to so many things, so many sins. 

He thinks about the day after Sarah died, when he’d been so ready to follow her to whatever end. His mind shies away from the memory – that is shame –  a wound healed over, but still tender if pressed on too harshly. But he considers it now, in light of her question, how the overwhelming feelings driving that choice had been acceptance in that instant. A readiness to be done with all that continuing in a world without his daughter promised. Fate had granted him the opportunity to flinch, a chance he’d then passed on as a gift to Ellie. No matter how she saw it, he’d given her a chance to flinch. Something perhaps, one couldn’t recognize had they never consciously held that cold gun in their hand, pressed it to the tender nook of their temple and looked their own mortality in the face. But he’d given it to her, and not even an entire life of reliving all he’d endured as of yet, could ever, ever make him regret that choice. A parent did what they could to give their child the gift of choice. That was, in the end, the only thing one could do. The gift of choice, something he now had and so arrogantly squandered. Birdie was his choice. Fate had given him a gift once again, now he had to consciously decide to flinch or not. 

“No. Never.” There is no doubt – no room for doubt. “I told you once, if I ever had the chance to do it again, I’d do it exactly the same.” There was a space where one could exist with their sins and not resent them. Joel knew it well now. There was only one road that had led him to this moment, to this place. He could not regret the decisions that’d brought Ellie to this life of peace and safety. That had brought him to your door. You had never felt like a sin. The sight of you, it made him calm, so free. There had been fear, too much of it, but never regret, never shame alongside your name.

“Do you feel ashamed when you hear my name?” he asks her, and he can see the question takes her aback, a second of shock crossing her face. It’s all the answer he needs – for the thought to never have even entered her mind. She shakes her head, sharp and quick, “No.” She pauses, and then says, “Fuck your fear, Joel. If that’s what’s keeping you from her you have to let it go. It’ll be the thing to kill you in the end. Maybe not dead in the ground, but in a worse way.”

“I know…I know, Ellie.”

And so what if he had been afraid? In a world, a life, overrun with the worst possible outcome playing out in real time, what was one more terror? He realized it wasn’t the fear of loss that held him back. It was the fear of himself. Of his own inadequacy, his own monstrousness. Because he’d already lost you. Could feel the current loss of you, your absence, acutely. Like a gaping, putrid wound. The days you’d been missing, that he’d been so fucking terrified that he’d never see you again, that you were dead, as he searched desperately for you – he was already experiencing that which for so long was the reason for his denial. And he could think of nothing now that could be worse than not having you. Of knowing his little bird was existing out in the world and that he couldn’t touch you, hold you, kiss you. Fuck his fear indeed. 

What did it matter if the world was vast and cruel if, in the end, they had one another?

“I struggled a long time with surviving. And no matter what, you keep finding something to fight for, something to be brave for,” he repeats his long ago words to her.

“You keep going for family… And she’s family.”

“Yeah… she is.”

“All this, it can’t have been for nothing.”

“It’s not. It won’t be.”

Existing in a grave for all those years, only to be violently pulled awake by a forest fire of a little girl – it changed the nature of a man. His nature had been changed irrevocably. And he needed to give this new version of himself to you now, in its entirety. And what struck him most was that despite all this, despite all he’d changed, lost and grown, since the start of all this, since Sarah died – who he was hadn’t entirely been determined yet. There was still possibility within him. There was still hope for more. And you saw that, you’d always seen that. 

In a sudden startling way, he could perceive what he was, what he lacked, what he could be. You shared that perception; your vision of him was another gift. What was it about this sudden acute sense of self perception that was so close to madness, and how was it that suddenly, when you realized you were in love, it was as if you were able to see the world as it really was? Cordyceps had blanketed the earth in a film of death that he now saw in spectrums. There was a spectrum to death as it existed in the world, as what you allowed it to shape itself, and you, as. How did you perceive death – loss? How did you let it affect you when it inevitably touched your life? Was it to overwhelm you – or exist alongside you as simply another phenomena of nature? He could exist on that spectrum set about by nature or he could break free from it. Cordyceps – and all humanities’ basest desires it catered to – could go on existing, could continue to subjugate the world to its will, but he would break free from that subjugation of fear, of death, of failure, he would live his life now as he chose to. He could perceive with such clarity now what was real and what was not. His little bird was real and alive and waiting for him. This was no delusion, no farcical whim; it was a glance down into time – into the realities he’d once known and lived in, a world before calamity and fungus and dead little girls – and it wore the staggeringly beautiful face of you, a glance at the woman he loved. 

“She’s angry with me. I– I hurt her.”

“Hmm… True… but she isn’t like us… she’s good. Kind. She’ll forgive you. She understands you.”

“Perhaps,” he says, but he isn’t sure, is terrified of the alternative, will try and make it up to you for the rest of his life if you need him to. 

“Maybe time’ll be the thing to heal this wound” 

He pauses at that, “It wasn’t time that healed it… remember?” The memory of their past hangs, once again, heavy in the air, but perhaps now, in this moment, a bit lighter than before. 

She shakes her head, gives him a small smile, “I remember.”

 She’s quiet for a moment, pensive. He’d missed her so much. This easy casual nothingness between the two of them. Just being together, talking. And as he takes her in, her chin tipped to the breeze, eyes closed, he thinks: if he could have done it all again, he would have loved her better. Perhaps made better choices. But he could not have loved her more. 

How broken, how small he must have been, just a short time ago, to have found that thought so difficult to confess, even just to himself. 

“Go find her, Joel. Tell her what you need to tell her.”

Chapter IX

Netherfeildren's Masterlist

[aboutcustardcreams]

Hiii! I watched Glass a few days ago and I decided to write something with Dr. Ellie Staple! It's nothing special, and maybe it's pretty rushed too, but I wanted to give it a try and here it is! I finally graduated so I have way more free time than before to think of plots and write down ideas. Hope you enjoy it <3

Embrace who you are

I have been sitting in this room for so long, I don't even remember what day is it. Hours flow quietly in their succession, always the same. I used to believe that being different was a blessing, but in this place it's nothing like that. I don't consider myself a superhero, although I possess some characteristics that have nothing to do with what's ordinary.

There must be something in my brain, she says. An episode of my past, a memory, a trauma that perhaps led me feeling numb in contact with fire. Not that I can do much in here. The medication and these restraint bracelets are weakening me day to day, and I'm honestly not even trying anymore to perform it because what's the point?

"Why are you doing this?", I ask her again, when comes in for the daily checkup. Her soft waves contour her face so graciously, I can't help but feel drawn to her, to those eyes that deep down appear to guard only light and kindness. However, was that the truth or just an infatuation of mine, considering the conditions she put me in?

"What do you mean, sweetheart?", her voice is laced with an innocence I stopped believing a few days ago. She is just trying to avoid the question, as always. I scoff lightly and bow my head focusing on my trembling hands, whose wrists have been handcuffed with a peculiar bracelet meant to keep all my abilities at bay. Initially I thought she cared about me, like truly. But now, I'm not sure anymore.

"I'm supposed to believe whatever you say without a fight—" I mumble tiredly, slowly meeting her confused frown. I'm so tired of being here, these four white walls are driving me crazy. I just want my life back. Doesn't she see that I'm struggling? She sighs and tilts her head to the side, a soft smile appears on her lips, "Sweetie, I—"

But I don't want to listen to those excuses anymore. "All your assumptions about what's real and what's not," I fix my gaze at the handcuffs, "and these, I'm sick of these! I feel like... suffocating," I swallow a lump in my throat, my voice comes out thinner but determined to make her understand that she was hurting me.

She smiles sadly at me, her eyebrows meet in a frown, "I know it seems brutal...", I chuckle bitterly, "Because it is!" I respond, letting out an exasperated grunt. She sees I'm fighting against my emotions, pushing past the tears threatening to spill from my eyes. She walks towards me, and for a moment, I see guilt flashing through her deep chocolate eyes. "Hey, hey...", I feel the mattress beneath me dip a bit as she takes a seat next to me.

On one side, I admire her like no other person I've ever laid my eyes on. There is something about her that hopelessly draws me closer. But there is also the other side that says— scream even to stay away. "I'm aware it's hard for you to comprehend, but I know what I'm doing. I specialize in people like you..."

Have you ever had that feeling about a person? Even when you know they are wrong, it feels like they are telling the truth, just because they firmly believe it is the truth. That's how Ellie was making me feel. She thinks she is helping me, failing to see my prospective. "People like me?," I look into her eyes with nothing but pure disbelief. A bitter chuckle escapes my mouth right after.

"Wait—", she sighs and reaches out a hand to touch me but I draw back before she can do it. "Do you hear yourself talking? There is nothing wrong with me," my lip quivers as I pronounce those words. I wonder what these handcuffs are made of to make my finger feel so numb and cold.

Ellie leans closer and lightly hushes me. Her long brown lashes well up with tears, tears that honestly I don't understand. Is she sad because she can't cure me? Is she discouraged because I refuse to listen to her? While busy asking myself what the reason of her distress may be, her hand gently cups my cheek. I squeeze my eyes shut, when her voice says my name with such a delicacy, I feel more vulnerable than ever. "You mastered a remarkable kindness, but it's just a camouflage."

If I looked at her now I'd see the hurt in her eyes. Her fingers tremble next to my skin. She inhales sharply and shakes her head at the same time, "No..." she voices out both exasperatedly and painfully, "You're so wrong," when her voice cracks a little, I look at her and say, "You keep telling me I'm wrong, but you never considered that you might be."

Her cheeks have reddened a bit, probably taken aback by my sudden outburst. A single tear slides down her face, while her bottom lip wobbles, causing me to feel guilty for whatever reason. "Your beliefs can put you in danger," she stutters for the first time feeling unconvinced of her own statement. It only makes the entire situation funnier to me.

"They are not beliefs and you know it! This is who I am," I voice out in a faint whisper. Tears spill from my eyes, because I'm so exhausted to be fed lies. I never called myself a superhero and if that's the title she fears so much, I'm willing to never use it. I'm just a girl that can evoke fire. I don't know myself how that's possible, but it's true. A part of me secretly hoped that Ellie would understand me, but I'm slowly losing faith.

When I was first met with those brown eyes I thought there was a chance for me to be understood and not condemned. I understand maybe it's fear what she feels. But I'm not a danger, I never was. After all, what harm have I done in life? I try to help those in need when I get the chance. Otherwise, I simply mind my business. I'm a normal person, regardless of the skills I possess. "I simply want to help you, make sure you don't get hurt..."

I scoff again, a bitter smile curve my lips, "By making me lose myself so that you're happy with your research?", "How does this make me happy exactly?", she quickly responds, gesturing animatedly. I raise an eyebrow at that. Is she pointing out the fact that I'm restrained? If yes, wouldn't it be easier to just let me go? "You did this to me," I state calmly, showing her my wrists.

Her chest rises and falls quicker, she opens her mouth to say something but she closes it again. I see her biting her tongue after, clearly in difficulty to express herself and make herself understood. I find myself even more confused because... are those irises moist with tears now? Is she about to cry? If so, maybe she does care? Or maybe she just finds me crazy and utterly beyond recovery.

"You're so focused on trying to get me to admit that I'm mentally sick, that you don't even see the person that I actually am," I see her posture change a bit when I pronounce these words. "That's not—", I keep her gaze, while I hesitantly draw my hands closer to hers. Despite the handcuffs, I can still move pretty freely, since they are not those bound to one another but they simply restrain my wrists. She looks at our fingers in trance as they almost touch. "Am I only an experiment to you? A task to complete so that you can level up?"

"N-no...," she looks heartbroken when she says that. Her voice never sounded so weak and guilty. It almost makes me feel bad for having said that. For a while I thought about believing her, admit to myself that having those abilities was more of an illness than a gift. That I maybe didn't feel pain, but I was actually hurting myself purposefully. And that it was better to be cured, but then, something snapped in me. Those were just lies.

"I don't see you that way. I never did. I do care about you." I sigh and angrily wipe my cheeks with the sleeves of my shirt, "Your actions tell me differently," I reply, averting my gaze towards that annoying pale wall, but only briefly cause lingering on it too long causes my eyes to itch and burn. "What do you want me to do?", that question surprises me. I mean, wasn't it obvious? I shake my handcuffs slightly as to point out the main reason of my distress.

"Freeing me from these would be a good start," I keep a sarcastic smile on my face. She takes a hesitant breath, her teeth nibbling her bottom lip that can't stop trembling, "Sweetheart...", she struggles, her eyes possess a fear of I don't know what, but it's crystal clear that it gnaws at her heart. "Please, Ellie. I'm not a danger," I plead.

Despite having been treated like this for weeks, I don't seek revenge or anything of the sort. I just want to be able to go back to my old life and get rid of these annoying handcuffs. "I want to believe you, I do", she insists, her voice trembling as she speaks, wavering with uncertainty. For the first time after a while I see a shift in her behavior. A determination that maybe will lead her to go against the protocol, "Then, what's stopping you?", I insist softly.

"Everything I've been taught...", she mutters to herself before looking at me again, "Look, I see the truth in your eyes," she admits, which makes me hope for a real change of events. "I'm just— I'm scared of the consequences. Not about what you would do once you're set free, but about the others— what if they find out and disagree with my decision? What if they come after you, manipulate and restrain you in ways I can't even imagine?"

I see her heart torn between duty and compassion. Love even, maybe. A soft smile tugs at my lips, maybe she does care about me after all. "I can handle myself. I can change city, I don't know, disappear if I have to... Anything is better than this. I don't want to spend eternity here, though your company makes it better," my attempts to be funny even in such situations sometimes astonishes me.

However, there is some truth in it. I like her. Maybe more than I should, as irrational as that sounds. Ellie's cheeks flush pink, an amused and quiet chuckle escapes her mouth right after, "You don't have to flatter me, sweetheart," I rapidly shake my head at that. I'm not trying to play with her, I really meant what I said. "I'm not," I state simply, hoping to let my honesty shine through. "Although, I wish we met in different circumstances," I mutter quietly, shrugging a bit.

"Me too...", she says, which leads me to snap my eyes open towards her. "For real?", her heart breaks at the uncertainty and vulnerability in my voice. Ellie simply nods at that, a thin and sad smiles graces upon her lips, while her hand reaches out to cup my cheek still wet and warm with tears. The pad of her finger delicately wipe a solitary tear that, without me knowing, just slipped from my eye. I'm so vulnerable to affection, I feel myself blushing.

I didn't know that but Ellie had spent so long to try and suppress her mixed feeling towards me, burying them beneath the weight of her responsibilities as doctor. Her fingers keep brushing against my paled cheek as she ponders on her next words carefully, "I'm so sorry," she whispers painfully, "Ellie...", I look for her eyes, that she voluntarily keeps down. "I'm sorry for making you doubt of yourself, for keeping you here—", shaking her head, she lets out a cry, "I want to help you, for real now."

With my eyes wide open, I breathe out, "Really?", tears brim in my eyes, as a glimmer of hope flick within them. "If it's the last thing I do" she confesses weakly, finally looking at me now. "This isn't your place." My heart flutters at her tone, I feel mixed feelings all of the sudden. I'm so excited to the possibility to put an end to all of this, "What will we do, then?"

What she does next completely astounds me. Her delicate fingers fumble as she struggles to unlock the handcuffs which have been secured with a code that only she knows. When a click follows, I finally feel cool air pass through my skin. I let out a relieved breath, while Ellie gasps in horror, noticing the red, raw marks etched into my wrists. "Oh my God, I'm.. I'm so sorry—", panic fills her voice as she shakily takes both my hands in hers, examining the seriousness of the injury.

"Don't be sorry, " I tell her with a reassuring smile, not wanting to add more weight on her shoulders. I feel so relieved, as if I'm starting breathing again. "No. I should have done better, I never meant to hurt you this way—", she takes a deep, shaky breath, her whole body trembling with remorse. She lightly massages my sore wrists, making me wince a bit. She stops, offering me another apologetic glance, "Can you feel your powers?", she asks, cupping my cheeks.

"Huh?", unsure if I have heard her right or not, she looks at me with conviction, tears filling her eyes. She nods her head and strokes my cheeks tenderly, "But... are you sure?", a reassuring smile tugs at Ellie's lips, "You need them to get out of here, don't you?", she grins through tears. I can't help but chuckle at that. The first liberating giggle in so long. "You're not afraid of me?", I need to make sure of this. I never mean to be a monster in her eyes.

As weird as it sounds, the last thing I wish for is for her to think ill of me. She simply shakes her head, her lips flatten in a thin line. Her eyes express me a weight of guilt and sorrow that tell me more than one hundred words. "I never was," her emotional confession makes my heart burst with joy. As I wriggle my fingers, slowly feeling my powers radiate through each fiber of my body once again, she gives me an encouraging squeeze on my shoulder.

I chuckle softly when dim flames start dancing in your hands, casting a warm glow in your face. Ellie can't help but look at me in awe. Her fear slowly melting away, replaced by a sense of wonder and admiration. "You were never a threat...", she mutters to herself, however loud enough for me to hear. A soft smile plays on my lips, as I look at her. When my gaze lingers on her eyes, the flames grow a little stronger.

Realizing that, I close my hands in fists and quickly and awkwardly apologize. She giggles at that and reaches out a hand to cup my chin, "You're extraordinary," she mutters, captivated by my gentle demeanor. A funny warmth fills my chest, when she asks, "Show me again. Show me who you are," her eyes lock with mine with nothing but love and conviction. I nod my head, a playful grin upon my features as I lean closer to her and whisper, "with immense pleasure."

[love-toxin]

miss ellie i'm realizing now that i never told you now revolutionary your ocs are. like. i've been on this website for literal years and the day i found your blog was with an oc post where you introduced such a dynamic lineup with so much variety, it was the first i had ever seen. maybe i wasn't looking hard enough but you had poc yanderes AND trans yanderes it was the first time i had ever seen any (i know it sounds crazy to say but i'm being so fr rn.) even when i look through your old posts and reread them i just get blown away by how each one is different and has their own personality even though you have so many?? anyway it's late and i just wanted to say that ty <3

will you marry me?? 🥺

LOL to be for real though that makes me sooooo happy you don't even understand, I'm really glad i get to be that way for you and all you lovely people 💕💕 it's a blessing to be able to write & post my work and I'm genuinely happy to see people connecting with it.

tbh, the representation i try to portray accurately is a really long-standing relationship i have with writing & authorship in general. this might not be a terribly interesting bit of lore but back when i was in my teens and consuming a lot of fanfic online in the early forms of it (ff.net my love </3) that was something that hit me a lot in reading self-insert fic, because I'd always been a huge reader and was just then tapping into self-inserts and community fiction posting rather than just books. and i remember distinctly (i think partly bc I've always grown up in multicultural neighborhoods/had mixed family growing up) reading fanfics and having the thought of "huh, i can relate to this description or this experience, but that makes me wonder whether other people can."

funny enough, it was partly when i would read descriptions of the author giving a self-insert long hair or referencing their hair in some way, and I'd start wondering how girls who wore a hijab would read that same piece, cause i went to school with a bunch of girls who wore it or a full niqab. and so i started wondering more like "if i was black, would i relate to this experience in this fic? if i was trans or gender non-conforming, are there characters i can relate to? if i were a mix of these things, could i find somewhere i belong in this setting?" and since then it kind of became a focus in the way i wrote stuff going forward.

i think using inclusive language in fic writing is really integral to a greater horizon of people enjoying it, and thinking on my ocs i always wanted to have characters that people could really relate to. I'd stop a lot in my process of creating my initial sets of characters and try to keep in mind those thoughts that i had in reading fics; "if i were this or that, could someone in that position relate to the stories I'm writing? and if not, what can i change to make that happen?" because if people are going to enjoy my characters or find comfort in them i want everyone possible to have the ability to. it's kind of intimidating at times to write for experiences i haven't had personally but it led me (and still leads me) to do a ton of research, and in doing so I've been able to learn lots of really fascinating things in the process. in doing so, it made it really easy for my characters to develop their personalities through my writing because i think they inherently have identities that are complex, which is always the goal you want for any character in the first place.

sorry that this kinda went off on a ramble LOL, but after so many years of writing and with my degree under my belt i still really think about it a lot. I'm really glad what i wanted to do has come across and i hope you continue to enjoy my ocs!! ❤️❤️

[justagalwhowrites]

I'm trying hard to focus on all this sweetness and fluff between Joel and Bambi, but the threat of what your mastermind has plotted for those two is behind me like a little daemon, lol!😳😅 A part of me wishes the chapters were all posted so I could rush through them, but a bigger part of me (the one sucker for angst) wants to slowly relish in your writing.

We got some Joel's POV! If his hair didn't already have white due to age and Ellie, after waking up alone, it sure would start to whiten. The part where he doesn't regret their intimacy but would if it meant Bambi would leave or stop talking to him broke me a little. He feels so much for Bambi! I love to read it! And Bambi, I love reading her thoughts. It makes it easier to connect with her and understand her. After talking about it and Bambi feeling more comfortable, I think she's just inches away from sleeping on top of Joel. Not that I think Joel would mind, lol!🤭 I'm giddy to see how their relationship grows.

And we got some Tommy! I love his bickering with Bambi and how Joel cannot keep up with them, too worried by being too flustered or trying not to die from choking by their forwardness.

I wonder if the hurt will come only from outside or if something between them will make it all worse. I really want to read the next chapter! Thanks for the update!♥️♥️♥️

OMG Hi Bestie!!

I do have some... plans for these two lollll I KNOW I'M SORRY I CAN'T JUST LET PEOPLE BE HAPPY! This is, in part, because I do love angst BUT I try to avoid angst for the sake of angst? There are some big things these characters need to resolve in order to actually be happy and be together. They're very real people to me (hopefully to you, too!) and they have histories and baggage and things they need to work through and move beyond. Ultimately, this story is about love, humanity and forgiveness and it will require some angst to tie it alllllll together.

And I know omfg poor Joel lol like bless this man! He's so sweet and patient and understanding and Bambi is trying soooo hard but sometimes trauma brain just nopes out and so does she. He's keeping it together, though! And you're right lol she was already getting really comfortable with sleeping next to Joel before they had sex. There was that stumbling block - she's got a lot of baggage, OK??? 😭 - but now that they've discussed things and she feels more of a sense of control, she's going to be on him like glue a LOT. He's a safe space for her and she doesn't have a lot of those. She's honestly kind of primed to lean on him a lot for that, for better or for worse 👀

I love putting Tommy in the role of chaos twin to Bambi lol Like pre-outbreak Tommy and Bambi would have been just ridiculously good friends, they would just play off each other so well and now that Bambi is coming back into herself after her decades of isolation and years of trauma, it's going to just grow from here. They're very sibling coded and I love writing that dynamic, it's such a special relationship.

When the hurt comes, I promise it will make sense. It may not be fun but it will make sense!

Thank you so much for reading and for writing such thoughtful notes. They are always a highlight of my day when I see them pop into my inbox! Love you!!

[celestie0]

Hello ellie! 😍 im just here to drop a ‘few’ words so don’t mind me 🤪 (i fear it may have turned into a yapsesh oopsies!)

Help omg idk if this is tmi but like im on my period and I was reading chap 3 of ihm right… and how could i prevent myself from laughing at my fav goofy ahh lighthearted romcom series on tumblr? 😔 put 2 and 2 together and boom i had my ketchup bottle moment when reading the dialogue bye 💀🤚 I LITERALLY HAD TO STOP FOR A MOMENT TO PROCESS WTH JUST HAPPENED LOL

Anyway, i rlly LOVEEEE your writing style for ihm,, the goofiness n domesticity is what I need as therapy for the heart wrenching angst fics ive read 😤 the way you write y/n + gojo’s dynamic and quarrels never fail to make me crack up like an egg and i love you for that 😔 THANK YOU FOR CREATING A COMFORT FIC FOR US ALL 🥺🫶

I hope I’m not stepping out of line here but your feelings abt the smut in ihm is totally valid and i understand you. That anon probs didn’t intend on bringing any harm but like there’s bountiful of smut in the jjk fandom that I’m sure they could have read instead of commenting smth so ignorant and disrespectful 🥲 Pls every time i search ‘jjk x reader’ in the search tab, i’m always greeted by endless posts of smut one-shots 😭 but fr this fandom actually needs to stop being a buncha horny brainrots bc im actually over repetitive and predictable smut,, everything just feels so shallow :,0 (everyone is entitled to their own opinion so dont atk me pls) and them invading your personal space by demanding smut is just not it… and we all know you don’t have to cater to them bc u don’t owe them anything! no need to listen to the smut hungry anons bc they don’t even care abt the blood, sweat and tears you pour into ur fics if they’re pushing you to write smut 😡‼️ they can go fulfil their dirty desires somewhere else ;-;

Words seriously cannot express how much I love your stories and just wanna applaud you for not immediately jumping into smut and actually having relationship buildup,, it makes the stories have sustenance and ik u want ur fics to be memorable in a unique way to your lovely readers 😇 but we seriously need a smut ban n touch grass movement in the jjk fandom for a bit bc this is getting out of hand 😭

I LOVE YOU ELLIE AND PLS DONT BE DISCOURAGED BY THESE SILLY ANONS BC AT THE END OF THE DAY THEY R NOTHING + YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM (us ACTUAL readers and gojo) WILL ALWAYS HAVE UR BACK AND SHOWER U IN THE LOVE THAT U DESERVE!!! ❤️

hiii bb!! PLEASE the ketchup bottle moment sent me to the moon also so fucking relatable xD and omg i'm so glad you enjoy the lightheartedness of ihm so far!! it's been sm fun to write and it's become a comfort fic of my own as well <33

thanks so much for the support on the smut thing <3 i've been toggling back n forth between feeling awful for coming at that anon like that vs being glad i stood up for myself lol, but ultimately, i just needed to share my perspective. i don't think they were trying to be rude either, which is why i felt bad, but i spoke my truth lol

and i totally agree w you (pls no one attack me either) but i'm honestly kind of sick of just seeing straight smut on my feed. like it's fine when i'm in the mood but the tumblr algorithm for jjk feels like your partner constantly begging you for sex 24/7 lol. but yea power to whatever someone wants to read, but don't impose it on an author.

anywho i've been talking a lot ab this situation lolol i feel like there's nothing i haven't said anymore but i totally agree w everything you've said!

thanks sm for you lovely words of support bb :'') i love u tooo and i'm so blessed to have the community of support i have on here!! this situation has definitely made me realize i'm not alone. have a wonderful dayyy (also hope your period is treating you well) <3

[fuckin-sick-bih]

If ur down for it, I’d love to see u write smth for tlou with a sick/snzy Joel ,,, perhaps when he and Ellie are first reunited with Tommy or maybe post-game where they’ve gone back to Jackson with Tommy?? basically just the embarrassment of never being sick and suddenly being sick 🥹🥹

Ask and ye shall receive, my anon <3 Fandom: The Last of Us Summary: Freshly returned from the fireflies, Joel is run completely ragged and has caught a cold. CW: None, just spoilers for the game if you haven't played! Word Count: 1.1k MINORS DNI

The car had broken down when they were a few miles from Jackson. Then the rain had started. It hadn’t let up until they were nearly at the hydroelectric plant. After pulling Ellie out of the Fireflies it had been hard to find her non-rotting clothes that fit. Most anything decent was all returned to the earth, torn up, disgusting, or moth eaten. They’d managed to find her a too big shirt, jeans, a belt, and even some decent shoes. But no jacket.

With no car for shelter from the rain, Joel hadn’t even hesitated to shrug off his jacket and drape it around the young girl’s shoulders as they exhaustedly trudged the last few miles back to town. They made it to the gates. Tired, shivering, soaked, starving, and there was a bone deep weariness that Joel just couldn’t place. He swallowed, wondering if he’d snored the whole night long for his throat to feel so raw.

Rain rolled down off his soaked hair and down the bridge of his nose as they waited for the gate to open, his exhausted frame shaking in the freezing downpour. Somehow it was still raining instead of snowing. Good for the plant, he thought just as a droplet of water rolled off the tip of his nose.

It ignited a tickle at the very tip and made him raise a calloused hand to rub roughly at the appendage just as Tommy pushed open the gate.

“Christ,” Tommy breathed out. “You both look like hell.” His eyes trailed from Joel to Ellie and stepped aside to let them both inside the walls. “Get in here. We’ll get you cleaned up, dried off, something to eat…”

Right away Ellie was pushing her way inside. They hadn’t talked much on the way back and Joel watched her go. He hadn’t told her about what he’d done but there was a distance now between them… Both of them could feel it and the guilt of his choice ate at him. But it was nothing compared to the guilt of what inaction would have felt like. That he was sure of…

Suddenly, he realized someone was saying his name. Tommy.

“Joel?”

A grunt escaped him, and Joel sniffed slightly. His nose was running. When had that started?

“Tommy.” He growled back, a little harsher than he meant to, but he was tired god damn it. Tired, he didn’t feel himself, he wanted a shower, and to drop into bed to sleep for a month.

For once, Tommy seemed to understand and led Joel inside the gates. They trudged through the muddy streets of Jackson and into a house, Joel’s breath catching as the suddenly warm air hit his throat and lungs. He doubled over in a coughing fit with one hand pressed to the aching, still not quite healed wound on his abdomen.

A warm hand slid over his back and Joel took in a shaky breath. “I’m fine.” He spit out from pure habit, the prickliness rearing it’s head as he grew defensive. There was no reason his younger brother should be comforting him. Not a damn one.

“You ain’t.” Tommy breathed out and gripped Joel’s shirt tighter now, making the older man scrunch his face in annoyance. It seemed to re-ignite that ticklish sensation from earlier and as Tommy dragged him down the hall to the bathroom.

The bathroom lights flicked on, and Joel’s breath hitched, “Ihhih­­- Tommy, move.” He warned the blonde, pushing him aside before he braced a hand against the wall while cupping his other hand over his mouth and nose to sneeze. “HiiiISSHue! Jesus…”

A wry sort of chuckle escaped Tommy as he got the hot water started for Joel, patting his brother on the back. “Bless you, old timer. Still fucking disgusting, I see.” He teased warmly, referring to catching the sneeze in his hand.

“Like you’re any damn better, asshole.” Joel grumbled back but there was not a trace of heat to his words. His breath was already wavering again as he started to undo the buttons of his completely soaked flannel shirt.

Tommy left the bathroom with a small snort of laughter. “Fair point. I’ll leave you too it. Get some rest, Joel.”

“Hiixx’t! Ugh.” This time he’d pinched his nose to stifle sneeze, feeling his ears pop uncomfortably and it had scraped painfully against his throat. Boston to Colorado and not so much as a sniffle and now… now that it was all over it was like his body had finally given up.

As Joel stepped into the hot spray a long sigh left him which turned into a harsh coughing fit that left his throat more raw than before. He scrubbed himself down, washed his hair and beard, not bothering to shave given he felt liable to sneeze and cut himself at any moment.

A few more sneezes as he got out of the shower, dressed in some sweats Tommy had left out for him, and dropped into bed. There was no telling how long he slept but when he woke, Ellie was at his bedside and he felt awful. Worse than before he’d slept if that was possible. “Hey, kiddo…” He croaked out, throat raw and painful.

The moment he spoke, Ellie’s head snapped up from where she’d been sharpening her stiletto blade. “Hey…” Her voice was soft, softer than it had been the whole trip back. “Maria said you were sick.” Her hand raised up to indicate she was going to reach out and touch him, a habit they’d developed after some trial and error traveling together.

“I’m fine-” Joel dismissed quietly as her hand came to rest on his forehead, an oddly familiar sensation and he couldn’t place why he knew it. “Healthy as a h-hhhih…” His breath hitched, nostrils flaring, and he quickly grabbed her wrist to pull it away from his face. “HiiISHHuh! Heh…hiiSHHUH! Ugh, pardod.” He mumbled, southern drawl thickening as his congestion did too. His face was tucked into his elbow for once. Ellie didn’t need this cold. Not after all she’d been through.

Both sneezes were loud and made Ellie jump. “Jesus. Good thing you didn’t get sick like this while we were traveling. We would have had every infected in a mile on us.” She teased him to which Joel rolled his eyes, feeling a heat rising to his cheeks.

“Yeah yeah… go od add-” Joel sniffed and pulled the bed sheets up to rub at his nose some. “Get out of here. Go watch a bovie with the kids or sobethi’g todight… I’ll be fide.”

Ellie seemed to hesitate, watching him with an anxious look. “You sure?”

Another nod. “Get.” Joel insisted and reached out to give her a light shove. “Before you catch this.”

A sigh left Ellie, swaying with that shove before she pocketed her knife and stood. “Feel better, Joel.” She said and left him to sleep.

[kradogsrats]

@its-leethee: #wondering how much of an outlier among elves lujanne's attitude toward ava was

YEAH that's an interesting question, I actually forgot about Ava because my mind just kind of glosses over her very 90s "all she needs is to be given a chance to prove there's no difference at all between her and someone not disabled!" narrative lmao

and then I wrote literally 1200 words of absolute rambling nonsense

Like, the illusion on Ava precludes her from getting any kind of accommodations for her very real disability—not even Ellis knows that she is still compensating for her missing leg in everything she does. It's also a little baffling that the answer here was "everyone needs a Very Special Lesson about prejudice" given that the original objection to allowing Ellis to keep Ava was that they can't afford to feed her, and (when Ellis argues to at least take care of her until she can be returned to the wild) that she would not survive among her former pack. I don't know enough about wild wolf behavior to know if that's true or not, but it also doesn't really matter, because the end result is apparently as soon as everyone sees Ava with four legs, it's... totally okay for Ellis to keep her forever?

(Honestly, my bet on what happened there is that the entire town just kind of quietly agreed that you should probably treat someone who receives inexplicable miraculous healing up on the local cursed mountain really well, or at least not euthanize them, and so everyone pitched in to support Ellis's family taking in Ava.)

So like... with Ava, she's essentially only disabled when people can see that she's disabled, like the opposite of an invisible disability. Obviously this would appeal to Lujanne, being particularly attuned to the aspect of the Moon primal that is associated with perceptions vs. reality. Would things have worked out as well if Ava had needed accommodations? It's not really clear, and probably would depend on exactly what she needed—there is admittedly a solid chance that people would treat the need for a basic amount of help differently from someone perceived as able-bodied vs. someone visibly disabled. (Usually that is in a negative direction, where the perceived able-bodied person is assumed to not "need" the accommodation, but it could also happen the other way in this case, with people having more patience in training and caring for a puppy who they are assured will grow up into an able and useful working animal.)

ANYWAY, given the sharp divide between Lujanne's experience of the Moon primal and the much more black-and-white way Rayla, Runaan, and others of the Silvergrove appear to experience it, PLUS the fact that even setting aside Ghosting, the punishment for surviving a failed assassination mission is literally loss of a limb? I'm not known for being very charitable toward Moonshadow culture, but in this case I don't think it's out of line to say that a lot of the Silvergrove would probably not be super keen on a three-legged shadowpaw or whatever. At best, you might get a "those of us who are able and strong are duty-bound to protect those who are not" level of cultural condescension... no one would be picking it out as their mount.

But to veer wildly off of the main topic here: like I said, I literally forgot about Ava as a disabled character since she functionally isn't, compared to, say, Amaya. Amaya is incredibly competent, but she is also undeniably accommodated by her peers and culture: those close to her are varying degrees of fluent in the sign language she uses, with many of them at minimum able to fully understand her without interpretation, and then she also has a dedicated interpreter for those who are not. She also has been blessed by the narrative with lip-reading superpowers to make things easier for everyone creating and consuming this show from within a culture that is at best indifferent and frequently actively hostile toward deaf people. Could they have worldbuilt a setting where Amaya's accommodations were baked into the entire culture of Katolis, such that everyone communicates with her entirely in sign language? Sure, but I can also see why they didn't, given that dominant media culture in the west definitely isn't ready to accept that.

But my point is that, unlike Ava's disability, Amaya is a character whose deafness is acknowledged and accommodated by both her culture and the narrative (on at least some level). It doesn't happen super often, but there are situations where Amaya being deaf makes a difference in her approach to or the outcome of a situation. One great example that they put in is the captured soldier at the Breach being able to communicate to Amaya that they're in danger by signing, which is a case where her deafness and the ways she is accommodated by those around her is a huge positive that saves lives! Then there's also the opening of s4, where because of her own lingering biases and inability to communicate in the moment, she attacks a bunch of innocent noncombatants and could have seriously injured or killed them while believing she was fighting for her life.

Interestingly, the narrative treatment of Rayla's increasingly injured hand is similar—and to be fair, Rayla's injured hand is, in fact, a disability... just one that winds up being temporary. We see a lot of circumstances where Rayla is mildly or even severely impaired by pain, weakness, or inability to use her slowly dying hand. Some, like dropping the egg through the ice, have plot-derailing consequences! Part of why there's so much emphasis on it is that it's functioning as a ticking clock for s1, but it's also narratively meant to be a challenge that reveals Rayla's character to the audience, rather than a narrative-independent character trait like Amaya's deafness. One of the things that's revealed about Rayla at the beginning of s2, as she is elatedly demonstrating all the stuff she can do with two functional hands, is the value she places on her own physical abilities. Similar to Soren, she has been raised and trained in a way where her body and its capabilities are her main asset, and if she loses some or all of those capabilities, it's a potentially existential-level Problem(tm). That says a little bit about Rayla and a little bit about Moonshadow culture, IMO.

(FWIW, my estimation is that Rayla would be more impaired by losing a hand than Soren would, given her acrobatic and two-weapon fighting style. Even in a positive and nurturing environment, she'd struggle a lot with self-worth in having to re-learn new skills and limitations, along with clumsiness or total inability in performing moves that she once trained into instinct. Soren, meanwhile, would strap a shield on the handless arm and be good to go.)

SO YEAH IDK Ava is kind of an outlier in how the setting/narrative is trying to treat disability, which is understandable since she's really not even a second- or third-string character, she's basically a plot device. Lujanne is also pretty unique in terms of Moonshadow elves that we've seen, so who knows. I mean, they can't ALL be like Rayla and Runaan, right? Right?

(Or, as something I just thought of: Lujanne is the protector of the Moon Nexus, and she's confronted with the situation of a kid and a puppy who are so desperate as to have walked through all her bean-freaking illusions. To reinforce the mountains spooky reputation and preserve the safety of the Nexus, she could a) kill them so the story is that they went up the mountain and were never seen again, or b) establish another tale of weird shit happening while also resolving the issue that sent Ellis away from her home and up the mountain. A bit risky seeing as we are immediately given a direct example of people who are desperate enough for miraculous healing to similarly fight through the illusions in the main characters, but it also means she doesn't have to straight-up murder a sad kid and her puppy.)

thinking again about how Janai not only doesn’t know sign language but is unfamiliar with the entire concept and has to find a linguistics scholar to translate for Amaya—not a dedicated interpreter, which you’d expect the center of Sunfire elf governance to have if they provided any kind of services for deaf citizens—along with Sol Regem’s blindness and apparent subsequent sidelining from both the draconic and Sunfire power structures, and the overall chilling picture that paints of attitudes toward disability in Sunfire and possibly other elf cultures in this Denny’s tonight

[elenaxrodriguez]

But you will remember me, remember me for centuries.

[the-shiniest-plant]

OC Interview: Fionnuala

Draw (or use an old drawing, don’t worry!) or take a screen of your character in an interview setting and make them answer the following questions!

(I was tagged by @uselessidiotsquad and @thoseofuswhoblossom! Hi, guys!)

Introduction

Can you introduce yourself?

- Hi! I’m Fionnuala, Nuala to friends, family, and anyone who finds my name difficult to pronounce. I’m a member of the Crystal Bloom, one of Aurene’s Champions, former Slayer of the Order of Whispers, former Warden, and Maker of Friends! Nice to meet you all!

What is your Gender Identity, Orientation, and Relationship Status?

- Cisgender Female, Panromantic Demisexual, and Single. Turns out not a lot of people want to date someone who’s dragon-branded… which I can understand.

When and where were you born?

- I was born in the Grove about…. Five minutes after midnight… sometime in the Season of the Phoenix, in… 1310! Yeah, that’s about right. I can’t remember what day, but the day doesn’t really matter to Sylvari more than the time of day, so… I guess it makes sense. Does that answer your question well enough? Yes? Good! What’s next?

What is your weapon of choice and fighting style?

- I fight with two longswords - one in each hand - and though I’m heavily armored I can and prefer to jump in and out of the Dream like most Revenants do the Mists in order to get the drop on my foes. I do use hammers from time to time when I need to hit something far away that I can’t get to. Though, most of all, I like to use the magic of Aurene to lend support to my allies in battle - regeneration, strength, cunning… though I can’t do that too much or it wears me out. Still makes me happy knowing my allies may have survived because of these gifts.

Lastly, are you happy?

- Well, I’m as happy as my current life situation allows me to be. I know I could be happier, if I had different circumstances, but right now I feel like I’m… content at the very least - my brother is safe, my Mother is getting healthier by the day, and I’m always willing to answer Aurene’s call to service. I’m a bit lonely, in all honesty, when apart from my friends in Rurikton, but for now I’m okay with that - I figure when the right person for me comes along, I won’t be so lonely anymore.

Family and Friends

What’s your family like? What is your relationship with them?

- I have a pod-brother, Sitheach! He’s a wonderful person, and I love him dearly. We’re very close, and we write to one another all the time when he’s on missions for the Pale Reavers, just to keep each other posted on current situations. He’s been home for a bit now, which is a blessing. His boyfriend misses him terribly when he’s away so seeing them back together warms my sparkly little heart!

Have you ever run away from home?

- Nope! I’ve been called everywhere I’ve been, so technically I haven’t “run away” from anything.

Would you consider marriage or having children?

- Well, marriage is a foreign concept to Sylvari, as is childbirth, but I would absolutely love a partner, and would certainly adopt orphaned children of other races if my partner was also okay with raising them, as I highly doubt with my duties as a Champion of Aurene would allow me to effectively raise a child alone. I like to think I’d be a good mother, though.

Do you secretly hate one of your friends?

- Pfffft, what kind of a question is that!? Why on Tyria would you call someone a friend if you secretly hated them? How silly!

Which friend knows everything about you?

- The only people on Tyria that know all about me are my brother, and my best friend Elspeth. That being said, I’m rather open to questions so if you see me in public and want to know more about a specific sliver of my life, just ask! I’ll do my best to answer.

Asked by Fans

Are you literate? Have you been to school?

- I can definitely read and write, as most if not all Sylvari can do that from emergence, and… does the Dream count as schooling? I know learning from Mentors does, but I feel like I learned more from the Dream than I ever did from my mentor - sorry, Maeryn, but it’s true!

What’s the eeriest prediction you made that later came true?

- I don’t think I’ve made any predictions like that, it’d be handy if I could, though… I wish I could’ve predicted the attack on the Grove during the World Summit… if we were prepared… maybe, just maybe Mother wouldn’t have been so grievously injured…

What is something that you were embarrassingly late in realizing?

- I partially understood how the other races weren’t born from pods, but what I didn’t know was the process of mammalian conception and live birth, until a kind Asura explained it to me during a stay in Divinity’s Reach. Hi, Quizz! Hope you’re well!

Do you have mental health or physical issues?

- Hoo boy, where to start… Anxiety and a bit of depression, mostly. Not being on the scene in time to help defend mother during the Shadow of Mordremoth’s attack… it really hit my self-esteem, so now, whenever I’m too late to save an innocent life, it… it haunts me for days…

What is your current main goal?

- My current goal is to protect the people of Tyria and help them in whatever way I can. It may or may not be a compulsion that I get from being Branded, but I’d likely do that anyway without the compulsion, so it works out.

Choices

Drinks or food?

- Drinks! Nothing like a good glass of Nectar after a long day of doing good things!

Cats or dogs?

- Dogs. Sylvan hounds. Specifically the puppies... I need to visit Danador’s Kennel again!

Early bird or night owl?

- Definitely a Night Owl! Which makes sense because of my Cycle. I thrive in the Evenings!

Optimist or Pessimist?

- My friends have never known me to be anything but optimistic in all my endeavors, and I certainly don’t plan to stop now!

Sassy or Sarcastic?

- Ooh, hard choice… they both have their merits… can I say “both”? Is that okay? I honestly can’t choose with this one!

Have you ever…

Been caught sneaking out?

- Of a Nightmare Camp? Yes. On several occasions, actually. I got a lot better at not being caught after I joined the Order of Whispers. Mostly because I didn’t have Ellie to help distract my foes so I could make an escape, if I was caught. Which I wasn’t! Not after Whispers.

Broken a bone?

- Never! Not even during Dragonstorm! Rather lucky on that front, my Priory friend lost her whole arm! Hi, Vledda!

Received flowers?

- No. Grown several myself, though.

Ghosted someone?

- Like, turned them into a ghost? Probably several people.

Pretended to laugh at a joke you didn’t get?

- Oh, plenty, when I was a sapling. I understood humor more and more as I kept living.

And there you have it! I tag @moonlit-grove again because I want Sitheach Lore, dang it!

[slateir]

SHE WONDERS WHEN THIS GAP BETWEEN THEM BECAME INSURMOUNTABLE. Bridges too burned to reach over, to try and understand each other. The obvious answer would be the night it all went down, hiding in various parts of camp before the slaughter started, one escaping to safety on the bus and the other left to see the Curse unfold, experiences too different to try and compromise. But she could never just let him go and be done with it, he's all she has left, they're all Ellie has left. They have to try and keep their shit together for her, as much as this cycle fucking sucks.

(As much as she mourns Tommy, she also mourns the boy Joey used to be.)

"I remember the blood, Ron and Stacey screaming in the craft cabin, what was left of them when he let me go." The look in Tommy's eyes when he had all the chance to kill her and didn't. The sound of Cindy's shovel forcing through the muscles and bone of his neck, the squelch of his head hitting the floor, seeing him rise like a puppet on a string. But how the fuck does she explain that to him? Memory is both a blessing and a curse, age and the blood dripping from her head that night working against her. "I remember enough to know that there was more going on than him just snapping out of nowhere, ok? Even Ziggy said so!"

Not that anyone had believed her back then either, chalking it up to grief or the trauma of coming back to life. Reese has never been able to get close enough since to try and talk about it, the town too wary of the Slater family's continued presence in Shadyside, not like they'd had anywhere else to go.

"Yeah, well, she had me fooled." Maybe she'd have be more horrified at being such a shit daughter when she was younger but she's not blind to Dorothy's faults anymore. Richard may have been the bane of their existence but she's the one that let him in, over and over and over again. "I don't know, maybe Richard left it behind in his last visit?"

(Not that he'd haunted their house since Nightwing. Probably too scared of fathering the next Shadyside killer.)

"God, if you hate it so much, you can just leave me alone. I'm not stupid, i'm not gonna wear it in front of her, so you've done your Good Son duty, ok?"

Joey isn't a bad brother, really. A little distant and closed off at points, sure, but he's done as much as he could to support Reese and Ellie. And maybe some of that had been pushed on by their mother, but he still cared for them both. To some extent, it's why he's tried to leave the Tommy stuff alone. For as much as Joey hates it, he still doesn't want to upset Reese. But there's only so much he can take. Watching her treasure the brother who had almost killed him.

He'd be lying if he said some of it wasn't also paired with jealousy. How Joey's tried to be a good brother to both Ellie and Reese, all the while, Reese has been constantly holding up Tommy to a standard Joey can never reach. All the while, Tommy was a monster, someone willing to murder his siblings. Of course it puts a bad taste in his mouth.

So while he tries to give her grace, to not get too irritable with her, he has his limits. Especially when it comes to Tommy. So he lets out a sharp sigh. "Because you don't get it," he responds, voice tense, "I mean, how much do you even remember from that night?" She'd only been six, for whatever she does remember, it's not like she could have really understood what was happening.

"She's not stupid, Reese. It's pretty clear who's that was." It's not like it fits her, and the shirt itself...their mother might have always been eager to pretend Tommy didn't exist, but it'd still be clear who it was from. Not to mention that he could barely stand the sight of her in the shirt, how it made him feel sick.

[mysoftboybensolo]

How Would Freddy Carter's Characters Propose?

*Note, this is all in good fun.

Ellis- He’d be nervous but he knows he wants no one but you. Being old fashioned, he’d go to either of your parents or guardian for their blessing before going to you. It’d be a walk in the garden and he’d stop you before bench, suggesting a pause to take in the natural beauty. He’d speak a loving phrase that he practiced before and be sure to tell you how much you mean to him. Going to his knees, he’d take your hands into his and say what an honor it would be if you’d consent to be his wife. He is so earnest and sweet that you’d forgive any mistakes he makes and you accept in a heartbeat.

Pin Hawthorne- He wants to make the proposal something special, as special as you are, but he sometimes thinks about how his parents did things and he questions if he should do the opposite. He racks his brain to find the best way to do it, until it came to him. He takes you out riding, says he set up a scavenger hunt, meaning you both ride out everywhere, until the last spot is on the beach, with the sun setting and you finding a ring box tucked between rocks. When you turn, he’d there, kneeling and with a nervous smile, he asks if you’ll marry him. You tackle the boy into the sands and kiss him hard. “Is that a yes,” he’ll ask. “What do you think, cheekbones?” you’ll respond.

Tom- Money is a bit hard for him, but that wouldn’t stop him from getting you a proper ring. If he doesn’t get the money from his mother, he takes some(one’s) valuables and exchange them for a ring. It’s not too gaudy, but it’s certainly worth something. He goes a more cliché way with the ring in a champagne glass and waits for you to discover it. You are surprised because Tom didn’t seem to be the marrying kind, but as he goes down before you, you really see the softer side of him, the side that just wants to be seen as someone worth loving and you can’t help but to want to be that person who gives it to him.

Jason Ripper- You two are two peas in a pod, you understand him as much as he understands you. He’d have a plan, something fancy and grand, but he blows his cover when you two are lost in the throes of passion, you’ve been edging him all day and now when he allowed to cum, he spits it out in a teary mess before coming. You’d wait until he came down from his high and ask him to repeat his question and if he was really serious. He’d confirm it, even going to show you the ring. You sat there uncertain if you’re ready for this, so you don’t answer that night. He lets you take it home to ponder and after a few days of contemplation, you meet him at one of Crowley’s parties and in the privacy of one the rooms, you accept.

Kaz Brekker- If finding out he was in love with you was a shock to the system, you can’t imagine what it did when he realized he wanted to be with you forever. He’d turn withdrawn, wondering if it would be fair to you to have you be officially his, with all the risks and danger his position offers, but then again, the idea of being without you, he can’t breathe, it’s almost like being in the water again. He’d want to make the moment special, but private. He cleans up his room, adding your favorite flowers and candles, and when you come over, he can’t stop fidgeting and can’t answer your question. He stands there for a moment before carefully getting to his knees before you with your help, and as he holds your hands, he carefully tries to express his feelings until he asks if you will marry him. Going down to your knees, you carefully take his face into your hands before responding with a resounding, “Yes.”

@incorrectquotesconaisseur and @idkimbadwithusernamesandstuff

[ennui-gt]

Here it is. A Piece Of Borrower Content Written Entirely In Stream Of Consciousness:

AN: so this is incomplete and very…needs revisions to the timeline to incorporate some things I added later! It’s the original universe that Mira’s from! I edited it like Slightly to just change Ross’s name to Ross (if u see Max anywhere that’s his old one I just felt like changing it so that’s just him but different. Anyway) Everything's under the readmore tab, cheers!

The Library Fairy:

-

Basic Plot (Chrono, comic starts from human perspective abt the ‘legend of the library fairy’ ig maybe. Nothing here is permanent cept the characterization)

Part A

1- Mira is borrower currently chillin in a college library

2- She lives off of the cafe on the second floor nd reads lots and lots of stuff about everything when the upper floors close (lower floor open 24/7 but upper floors r vacant p much after 12:00 AM)

3- she starts getting increasingly curious about human stuff cos she’s literate nd books r pry neat

4- it starts one night when she spots an unattended notebook and a half eaten blueberry muffin, nd it’s 12:30 so nobody’s coming back in atm (it’s the 80s so no laptops for the plebians quite yet)

5- so she goes ‘welp’ nd takes part of the muffin, then sees the work on the page and goes ‘hmmmm this is incorrect’ so she helps our and leaves notes here n there to point the kid in the right direction and puts down some book refs for further study bcos at this point she’s been there for 2 years and she knows where most things are

6- she stays behind to see if the human comes back for it, hidden in a hidey hole near the desk

7- human comes in, sees notebook, practically melts w relief nd stuffs it in his bag

8- next day human comes back nd leaves nother notebook and a cookie, along w a hidden camera

9- Mira goes ‘o boy, this a trap, innit’

10- Mira then decides ‘eh whatever I haven’t had contact w anyone in years now so I might as well’

11- she steals the camera film nd leaves a lil scrap of paper saying ‘nice try ;)’ on it

12- student comes back, sees paper, goes ‘dammit’, then leaves note addressed to the ‘library fairy’ and another cookie, as well as more of their work for her to help with

13- bout a decade goes by and now the “Library Fairy” is an urban myth, it’s currently 2003 so she’s also wound up on the school’s unofficial Wikipedia page under ‘local cryptids’

14- most library employees know of her but they don’t go looking out of fear stemming from superstitions bout her, somehow the legend grew from ‘can’t be photographed’ to ‘a student once saw her and died that day’

15- there’s now a small shrine devoted to her where ppl bring offerings hoping to get good grades in return, sometimes they will leave papers for her to proofread nd stuff

16- new prof (named Alexei) finds online article thinks he Knows What’s Up bcos he had a borrower friend as a kid, but they left when borrower’s fam found out about them knowing each other

17- he leaves note wedged in one of her secret entrances behind outlet, asking if she can meet w him at some point

18- Mira, already In it, goes ‘Okay. Alright. This has gone on for long enough. Time to go and never return’ but ofc she’s curious as all hell and like she decides she will at least honor the guy’s request for a convo b4 she goes, but on her terms and w/o speaking face 2 face

19- they Talk in the library after hours, bcos he paid off the janitor to let him stay after hours nd most of the student employees recognize him as a prof nd leave him alone

20- they talk again for every subsequent night

21- she uhhhh finally decides to reveal herself nd prays that her hunch was right nd he won’t try to grab her or anything

22- he doesn’t but she’s nervous so she winds up gettin caught in her own climbing rope like idiot, is now dangling from ceiling in tangled mess

23- he stifles chuckle nd she says smthn sarcastic

24- he moves closer and offers to untangle her

25- she’s like ‘please’

26- so he do, but her grip on the rope slips nd he has to catch her

26- so now she’s in his hand and he just sets her down and now he’s a bumbling embarrassed mess bcos he said he wasn’t going to hold her and he just did and o dear pls forgib him

28- nd she’s like ‘dude u just saved my life it’s fine ur fine chill’

29- internally she’s going HOLY FUCK AAAAAAA but externally, her human’s already worked up enough as it is so she’s gotta b the level headed one

29.5- after a while they both kinda get used to each other more, he gets tenure, they celebrate, some more stuff happens, Aleksei got married (not to Mira, Mira hasn’t actually rly thought about being in a relationship w anyone cos she’s laser focused on gaining as much knowledge as possible)

30- eventually Alexei’s like ‘hey so I’m dean of faculty for the biotech branch now uhhhh would u like actual job teaching students? Cos, uh, you can do it remotely thru online lectures n stuff, no in person interaction, and I uh was just kinda wondering—‘

31- she’s like ‘yes. Yes!!! LET ME HELP PEOPLE OFFICIALLY KINDA’

32- so now she’s a professor, and has revealed her Secret a few times here n there to a number of the faculty, nd she has recorded her own findings in a personal journal

33- ‘humans will treat u like a human if they think ur human first. The kids call it ‘catfishing’’

34- enter Ross, an mall goth who accidentally tripped headfirst into a premed program

35- Mira’s favorite field of study is bio so naturally she’s his prof for a majority of his classes

36- being the good boy that he is, he now knows Mira’s secret. There is an Entire Chapter on him finding out and legit just continuing their conversation as if everything was normal bcos he thought that was how he was supposed to handle the situation

37- then she says ‘u can ask questions, u know’ he’s like OH THANK FUCK CAUSE I HAVE SEVEN HUNDRED OF THOSE

38- and now he kinda knows what to look for in terms of ‘do borrowers live here check yes or no’

39-in his apartment, the answer is yes and he mistakenly kinda stumbles upon the mom one night when he wakes up in the middle of the night for Snack and opts to pretend like its not happening. Unfortunately the thing she was trying 2 borrow (piece of crumb cake for Son Boy’s birthday) is the thing he wants 2 eat so he’s like “uh. ‘Scuse me, ma’am.” and he peels back the saran wrap on the other side of the plate, takes piece, nd then leaves some there for her

40-so now the woman is like ‘welp guess it time 2 Leave’

.1- she and husband Talk

.2-they decide it best 2 go

.3-theyre Packing

.4-lil bab Ellie confused

.5-hawk attacke

.6-cut to Ross

41- Ross also happens to work at a bar and he goes outside for a break

43- he finds smal child—smol smal—on the sidewalk and said child is missing an arm, nd has lost a lot of blood, so he’s uhhhhh Losing It highkey

43.5-parents r nowhere 2 b seen, but the hawk is nearby and circling. Ross gets an idea of what just happened

44- he up and leaves work, thankfully his apartment is above the shop so he jumps up the fire escape w the child and

45- he make tourniquet

46- he calls Mira nd asks her 2 come over to ASAP. he’s A Mess at this point

47- it is Very touch and go, kid needs blood, Mira is the only viable donor so she’s just gotta pray that the blood type is fine and won’t kill him

48- and then eventually they manage 2 stave infection thru antibiotics properly dosed to his size, Mira does Math and Prays basically

49- ‘bout a month in, kid wakes up

50- kid doesn’t rember much since he’s only 3

51- hes v scared of Ross at first but over time he gets used 2 the human

52- kid (elliot) starts 2 call Ross ‘dad’ after a while

53- Ross: *internal screaming but in a good way*

54- the end kinda for now

Part 2

A- New Borrowers In The Building

—three of em. paranoid dad, mom, nd daughter that’s Elliot’s age so he’s pumped

B- Elliot offers them a place 2 stay briefly

C- he knows by now bout like, how borrowers don’t typically interact w humans and Auntie Mira’s a bit of a weird case so he just doesn’t tell em bout his dad being the human

D- the kid finds out first nd doesn’t tell the parents, but they figure it out later kinda and think that it’s a ‘o god he’s being kept as a pet’ sitch so they’re >:| abt it

E- they move out and try to take Elliot w them (by force bcos they think he’s brainwashed) but he escapes and makes it to Ross, who’s like “uhhhhhh”

F- and the mom come out the hole near the counter n starts yelling at Ross, who is…kinda used to it since Mira brings in ppl who need help from time 2 time and they typically don’t react well when they’re lucid enough to understand what’s going on. He’s just not used to being questioned about his own kid

G- so they’re like “WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING WITH HIM”

H- and he’s like “r…raising him???”

I- and Ellie steps up and he’s like “this is my dad. I decided he was my dad when I was three. He’s being a good parent”

J- and Ross is like “yeah what he said. I’m a good parent.”

K- Ross is riding that high til the end of fucking time but like back to the story at hand

L- this is when the husband comes out nd is like “lissen. wifey. ily but that is a very big human and he hasn’t grabbed us yet so let’s count our blessings and gtfo”

M- but she’s like “uh no we stay until I’m sure Elliot is Safe and fucking Sound”

N- so they stay for dinner nd stick around a little longer.

O- Val (the kid) gets closer 2 Elliot and also Ross a bit

P- Mira shows once or twice, first time she shows up they’re like “oh god it’s the crazy doctor lady this all makes sense now” (bcos Mira does check up on as many borrower families as possible in her free time so word has got around by now Of her, and the number by which to contact her in case her services r needed)

Q- After a month or so, then they decide to leave bcos they’re like “look we get that ur son is ur son and he only has one arm and in our profession that is kind of a death sentence but we can’t have our kid getting used to dealing w humans who know about our existence” so they go and leave on a kind of sour note bcos Ellie can do anything he wants to do just as well as any other borrower Thank You Very Much and Ross is ready to fite anyone who thinks otherwise

R- Elliot starts trying 2 b more independent, basically from now on he’s like ‘I can do everything my Damn Self Thanks’

S- but uh he does it to a point where he’s going out of the way to endanger himself

T- so they get into a fite about it and ross Yells and Elliot is like ‘kthxbye’

U- and the boi just. Fuckin bolts. Runs Away. Ross is a Mess, he starts smoking again (he quit cold turkey the day he took Elliot in) to curb the depression, he’s jus. Not doin good, worried that his son is dead and the last time they talked it’d ended badly

V- FREEDOM!!!1! Except Ellie doesn’t kno how to take care of himself so it’s a rough month or so and then he runs into some other borrowers livin in their own town in the wild ig, chillin, being hella independent, and he’s like “uh yes ofc I will join u, I was w my dad for a while but.........” he neither confirms nor denies that his dad’s dead but everyone kinda just assumes.

Part 3

W-anyway a year goes by and then the borrower group gets hit hard w some kind of sickness ig. Elliot gets it too he’s basically incapacitated n drifting in and out of lucidity. So. They contact the weird crazy doctor lady who hangs around humans, a.k.a. Mira, and she’s like “oh. fuck. I know this kid.” bcos she does, u kno, and she jus treats em all for their ailment and shows them how to make antibiotic poultice thing in case smthn like it happens again. Mold. Penicillin is basically what it is

X-she and Elliot hav a Chat (Mira basically yells at him a lot) once he’s fixed up and he decides he’s gonna visit his dad but he makes it very clear that he is a Grown Up (he’s not, he’s literally sixteen), and he is living on his own now

Y- he agrees to stay for a week tho since he misses his home a lot tbh and Ross is just. Over the fucking moon to know he’s ALIVE, he’s not gonna fuck up their relationship by insisting that he stay. Or like, by keeping him ofc he would never

Z- unfortunately the borrower community put two and two together and figured out his dad’s human so they have his stuff packed up when he gets back w mira, who’s ready to go the fuck off on them

End 1:

-Ellie is living at Ross’s place atm and hopeful about the future basically. He eventually will go off on his own but he’ll keep in contact w his dad and stuff

Part C.5

55- few yrs later

56- elliot is Adult now he does adult borrower stuff

57- he moves out

58- finds nice borrower gf (her name’s Tess)

59- doesn’t tell her about his dad being human but talks about his dad a LOT

60- so when she asks to meet said father he’s just like “uh. Maybe we don’t do that actually”

61- and she’s like “y tho”

62- and he’s like “bcos”

63- anyway she decides to look into it cos she knows he goes to see his dad nd keep in touch but his dad is allegedly “a recluse who lives in the big scary human’s walls to avoid other ppl”

64- which is. Not true in the slightest tbqh he’s def not an introvert he’s just a workaholic and he Is the big scary human

65- anywho they run into Val and her wife and she’s like “how’s Ross been?” And Elliot is acting Very Suspish so she, being Smart, calls it immediately and is like “oh shit u haven’t told her yet have u”

66- Tess: “told me what”

67- Val: “El’s dad is a human, bro.”

68- Tess: “I’m sorry?”

69- this results in a Big Fight and they separate for like, a month. Elliot blames Val bcos he’s being irrational and doesn’t wanna admit to the fact that lying to his girlfriend for over a year was Real Bad Actually, but over time he’s like ‘yeah it’s my fault sry for snapping at u’ cos he works thru his emotions n stuff

70- Eventually gf comes back cos she’s like “ok so. I understand why you lied to me about your dad. It was a dick move but I do get it and I still care about you a lot. I would like. To meet him.”

80- this is a lie she does not want to meet him she is doing this bcos she does not want to lose Elliot and that outweighs the fear of his dad

81- so they go to meet him but she’s just kinda. Behind the wall at first like “that’s a crazy big human this is crazy ur crazy it’s time to gO”

82- Val is also there bcos she hasn’t seen Ross in a while

83- they eventually coax her out of hiding

84- and by that I mean Val picks her up and drags her out into the open by force bcos she basically freezes up the second she catches sight of Ross and Val’s like “u didn’t come all this way for nothing, bich”

85- they have a Painfully Awkward First Meeting, Tess is trying her best but oh god he’s just too fucking. Larg. Ellie ur dad too big

86- tbh tho the ice kinda breaks after Ellie and Ross get into a fight over smthn stupid (im thinking Elliot grumbles bout Ross’s hair being unruly and he’s worried that mira’s using it like a personal storage system again and Ross is like “I’ve been keeping better track of that actually” and then like a little line of paper clips and a few hand-bound notebooks tied together w some string fall out of his fucking mane and he’s like “I can explain”

87- “dad you can’t keep letting her use your hair like a fucking NEST”

88- Tess is laughing now cos god damn this was not what she was expecting

89- that’s it the end it ends w Tess laughing at them being idiots good times r had by all

Uhhhh that’s it so far. I have More but it’s kinda jumbled rn and I need to fit stuff in places. Anyway.

[hlupdate]

On November 18, 2019, a website promoting a mysterious place called Eroda (“No Land Quite Like It”) arrived on the internet. Two days later, the official Twitter account for this fictional frown-shaped island began teasing local seaside attractions. You may have missed it, depending on which corners of the internet you choose to lurk, but not if you were a Harry Styles fan, a group that went into pure overdrive trying to figure out what it all meant.

I, for one, missed it at the time. I was unaware this account was cryptically quote tweeting fans as they tried to piece together what was happening, what it meant, and what it could be connected to (Greek Mythology and Lostwere a couple of theories posed in comments, Twitter threads, and Reddit). Meanwhile, the Columbia Records marketing department had been hard at work for months, devising this specific and highly-detailed campaign around the music video for Styles’ second single, “Adore You” from his second solo album, Fine Line, ever since he shot the video in Scotland in August 2019 (Eroda = Adore backwards — clever!).

But it was all leading up to the morning of Friday, December 6 when the video was released, one week before the full-length album arrived. Up until that point, I had never seen an entire Harry Styles music video, but what happened next was inevitable. Somehow, as a self-proclaimed boy band scholar, I had never paid much attention to One Direction. I kept a distant eye on Styles since they disbanded, intrigued by the decisions he was making in his solo career. But I hadn’t yet realized I’d been in the ring all throughout the fall of 2019, fighting to resist the inevitable fascination that awaited. First came the jab of Rob Sheffield’s Rolling Stoneprofile, followed by the cross of “Lights Up”, a song that cracked my Top 20 most listened to songs of the year despite being released just two months before Spotify so thoughtfully compiled that personalized playlist. Then there was the hook of his SNL hosting stint in November (and bless you Bowen Yang for that Sara Lee sketch), which then leads us to the “Adore You” video, the uppercut and ultimate TKO. I surrendered in what felt like a near instant. I was now a Harry Styles fan. (If we’re following this analogy, I sat up to spit out some blood after seeing that cover of “Juice” before my head quickly hit the mat again with a loud thud).

Maybe it’s not quite remarkable that I took time out of a Friday morning to watch a music video, but that I sat at my desk, in an office, with other people around (back when we did those kinds of things) and proceeded to wipe away a few tiny tears from under my eyes by the end of it, was an experience I had not been through… maybe ever? In a world of lyric videos and TikToks, actual, thoughtful, impactful music videos with a full (and sweet!) story are about as rare as a glowing and growing fish these days.

Ultimately, “Adore You” does everything a music video should do. In nearly eight minutes, this video uses excellent visual effects in a cool and interesting way, tells a compelling and heartfelt story, is anchored by an irresistible leading man and an adorable sidekick, is backed up by the catchiest song you could ever dream of, and culminates with a touching and hopeful ending. It’s a treat for the eyes and the ears and the soul. It’s innovative and the kind of thing that begs you to watch it more than once to catch all the details (and yes, I do tear up every time).

So one would think that an award show with the specific purpose of celebrating this type of creativity would be extra sure to nominate such a charming and effective clip, but alas, “Adore You” was overlooked in the MTV Video Music Awards main categories this year. Of course, some could argue that that fact only adds to the video’s credibility but I’ll do my best to not be that petty as I’m still rooting for it to win in the three technical categories where it picked up nominations: Best Visual Effects by Mathematic, Best Art Direction by Laura Ellis Cricks, and Best Direction by Dave Meyers, who remains one of the most inventive and influential directors of all time and whose videos with artists such as Missy Elliot, Pink, and Kendrick Lamar have been racking up nominations for nearly 20 years now. He also saw four other videos he directed get recognized this year: Normani’s “Motivation” (Best Chorography), Travis Scott’s “Highest in the Room” (Best Hop Hop and Best Visual Effects), Anderson .Paak’s “Lockdown” (Video For Good), and Camila Cabello feat. DaBaby’s “My Oh My” (Best Cinematography).

But I reached out to Meyers to specifically ask about the intricate details of “Adore You” and how it all came to be; how he captured such a vibe with the overcast and dreary weather, mixed so wonderfully with the charming oddities of the people that make up this world of Eroda. In addition to directing the video, he also co-wrote the story with Chris Shafer and said, “It’s the first idea that popped to mind after the first listen to the song, and the first idea I pitched to Harry. It was a story that underscored my understanding of what Harry stood for and felt it was necessary to tell it as a narrative to convey his optimism.”

The extended version of the video starts with a two-and-a-half-minute introduction to the world of Eroda, narrated by Rosalia. This includes the “peculiar” people and their professions on the island, meeting The Boy (Styles) and his glowing smile that most people try to avoid, and the quirky superstitions these people continue to live by. “It all served a purpose,” Meyers said of the details. “The superstitions were a set up for how society generally reacts to different things. They fear change or oddity, even if it’s what’s best for them.”

Meyers, however, did not share in that fear, as much of this video provided for interesting and new opportunities he had yet to experience throughout his decades-long career, which he listed off: ”Compelling narrative, CG character, remote location, Scottish crew (nothing fazed them),” also noting that all of the other characters in the video were locals as well. So perhaps they were less fazed by the atmosphere across the four-day shoot in Scotland, but as Meyers recalled, the “weather was nuts. It rained every 20 minutes, then the sun, then cloud over.”

However, it’s likely that Mother Nature is also a Styles fan, as Meyers recalled, “I seem to remember going up on the hill for Harry’s picnic with the fish and being worried that it was so gloomy. By the time we came to shoot, the sun came out. And then the sun went away as soon as the scene was over. Similarly, we had the worst storm when Harry was contemplating suicide at the start. Pouring rain, drenching him. So I guess in that sense it was fun watching how Scotland provided a backdrop for the emotions we were after.”

And hey, at least they had the weather on their side to add to the mood while shooting the video, as one of their main characters, well, didn’t exist. “It was very odd shooting with no fish,” Meyers admitted. “But was quite rewarding later seeing it dropped in and making empathic sense to the story we were after.”

Of course, the main character they did have on hand is an awfully useful and appealing one at that. Fans became enamored with the moment Styles uses the back of his hand to check the temperature of a coffee pot before dumping the fish inside the water so it could stay alive. I asked Meyers about this particular moment and he said, “The problem we had was apparent when Harry ran in and threw the fish in the pot. We all sorta felt — well, what if it was hot? So I believe Harry improvised that as a solution and we felt it was perfect for the character’s sensitivity and consideration for this poor fish.” And that’s not the only nice thing he does for his fish friend — he also serves him a tiny taco! “The taco was a whimsical way to express friendship between Harry and the fish,” Meyers offered. It looked pretty tasty, too.

The entire video serves as a showcase for what Styles does best and what makes him such a unique artist: his music, his acting, and his charisma, which Meyers knew would offer him a lot to work with. “Harry is a leading man. I felt that from my first meeting and wanted to play with his wonderful range of emotions. So finding a story with a real character arc was part of my focus in building this world.” Meyers described working on “Adore You” as an “all-around memorable shoot: awesome location, lovely Harry, compelling story, great effects, and… it worked.”

It did. And it was a risk: a video this complex and detailed (and one has to assume, costly), attached to a marketing campaign that proved to be even more involved, still came with no guarantee that the fans wouldn’t shrug it off. But as Manos Xanthogeorgis, SVP of Digital Marketing & Media at Columbia Records told Billboard last year, “When you have a video and a piece of art at such a level, it’s an incredible challenge for the rest of the team to build a campaign at that same level of artistry and creativity.” Oh, and that was only step one, as the marketing team engaged in “real-time marketing” with fans online, ensuring they would continue to remain engaged by dropping clues and clips in the lead-up to the video premiere and subsequently the album. “This whole campaign was around mystery and sometimes mystery is more powerful than knowledge,” Xanthogeorgis said. The Twitter handle has remained active throughout 2020, used as a continual marketing tool for Styles’ next videos including the Meyers-directed “Falling” and this summer’s hit, “Watermelon Sugar.”

With that kind of fan engagement, “Adore You” seemed like a no-brainer for the fan-voted categories of the VMAs this year, as they surely would’ve turned out to vote just as feverishly for this video as they did when searching for clues (about a made-up island, at that!). But hey, maybe MTV was just not interested in massive fan engagement this year — after all, it’s not like everything Styles does, including growing freakin’ facial hair, has the internet in a tizzy for weeks. Ultimately, as the impact of music videos (and certainly the ceremony celebrating them) continues to lose relevance, the disregard of this specific project simply feels like a missed opportunity to acknowledge a rare achievement in the art form.

While Meyers was sure to describe his inclusion in the VMA nominations this year as “lovely and flattering” (and he better have a moonperson in his possession this time next week, MTV!) it’s still puzzling why “Adore You” wouldn’t be included in the big categories, considering Styles is squarely within their demo, at the very least. That “Adore You” is also a technical and storytelling masterpiece, as well as a full moment that was used as inspiration both for the experience online and in-person at the Fine Line Spotify listening party last December, that also comes packed with one of the most enthusiastic groups of fans around, well, that should have had the entire network drooling.

Of course, some of this can simply be chalked up to a perfect storm. As far as his singles go, “Lights Up” was a nice appetizer, but “Adore You” remains the delicious entree (you already know what’s for dessert). “Adore You” is a perfect pop record if I’ve ever heard one (and I have) and deserved a special video. A Chris Isaak “Wicked Game” sexy vibe wasn’t going to work here. The song tells the story of such passionate, pure, and heartachingly naive and innocent love that it almost had to be directed toward a non-human being. Instead, Styles chose to inject those same carefree, sweaty, sticky, delicious, whimsical beach vibes into the “Watermelon Sugar” clip, which was the right choice, and not just for the summertime season (MTV has since added the Song of Summer category to the VMAs and included “Watermelon Sugar”).

But it’s “Adore You” that has melodies that bring a smile to the faces of babies, get your toes tapping even when you hear it in the dentist’s chair, and likely has my neighbors rolling their eyes when I sing along to it in the shower. The song is so simple it’s deep, a theme reflected in the video, as is the central reminder to help and care for others, a thoroughly 2020 message.

However, not all is lost. Both “Adore You” and “Watermelon Sugar” continue to rack up major spins at radio with the latter hitting number one on the Billboard charts earlier this month. Grammy voting kicks off at the end of September and Academy members should take note. Not only is Fine Line more than worthy of being acknowledged, but having Styles on hand to potentially collect trophies and perform is in your best interest when it comes to viewers and online chatter. Do not wait to take him seriously. This is the album, this is the time. Prove that you aren’t a bunch of stodgy old white men who think he’s just for teen (and um, thirty-something) girls, but that you understand the music he enjoys, is inspired by, and subsequently makes, is the same rock music you appreciate as well. An artist like Styles can be both of those things at the same time, and really, the best of both worlds. Give the album a listen, and then one more to let it all sink in. If you have not yet succumbed to the force that is Harry Styles fandom, I truly can’t recommend it enough — and please know that it will get you eventually.

[phairfantooooom]

Bleak

Merry Christmas!!!! Secret Santa gift for @ellie-winthrope​. I hope you enjoy it! Thank you @ginkgowritings​ for hosting the MLQC Secret Santa!!!

Pairing: Lucien x Reader

Warnings: Possessiveness, Mentions of injection, Drugs

Word Count: ~2.2k Words

Synopsis: You had finally come home, and you had quelled Lucien’s worries. But now that snow has begun to fall once more, a grim possibility rears its head. Angst with a happy ending.

A lack of color.

That’s.... what had started all of this hadn’t it?

The gentle lulls of Ray Conniff and Frank Sinatra echoed quietly in the small apartment, a holiday tune being sung sweetly through the old speakers of the record player he owned. The cheery song was as stark a contrast to the cold expression he wore on his face as day was to night.

He silently maneuvered his way around the cluttered space, violet irises focused on you the entire time. So at ease, so peaceful..... He had lived in your apartment for so long he knew the area like the back of his hand.... for him it would be... it would be all too easy to just...

Gritting his teeth he dragged his gaze off your slumbering form, innocently resting the day away, oblivious to the fact that an all too familiar war was being waged inside him. 

His eyes caught on the glass balcony door, the root of his ire coating the ground in a crisp sheet of white. A reminder.... a memory of another world. Of a different time. The control he had so delicately crafted beginning to ebb and chip away.

Oh, how this covetous sin yearns to exist.

Your life was yours to live, no matter how he longed to lock you away somewhere nice and safe. To mute your senses and clip the wings of freedom you cherished so deeply.

My life has no meaning without you, after all...

You who had brought vibrant color to his world, and left desaturated hues in your sudden demise. All those shades of color that had blessed his vision had begun to fade back to into those familiar blacks, whites, and grays the longer your absence went on.

Life had become dull.

Bleak.

His gaze had wandered and he found himself staring at you again. The radiant and beautiful owner of his small little world. “My little fool...”

Reaching out he gently stroked the top of your head, his neutral expression collapsing and revealing a broken man underneath. A man that was steadily getting closer to the edge of his breaking point. A low husky whisper left him, and he found himself glad you were too deep in your sleep to hear his plea.

“I... I love you.” His voice shook to his dismay and he took a moment to steady himself before continuing. “I want you, in every aspect. I long to have you in your entirety. Your heart, your dreams, your very future. I am but a humble fire that burns for your very existence....”

He leaned down and placed a kiss atop the crown of your head, a solemn look of consideration crossing his face. “Yes... I am a blaze that will continue to burn... for you and you alone. Until all that remains of me are warm ashes...”

“Should I become an rampant inferno... I wonder if you would be able to forgive me...”

It was like watching an old film.

The scene in front of you was colorless, the world was hazy around the edges of your vision as you took in the view of what laid in front of you.

It was a laboratory, with not much of note. The walls were cracked and peeling, and the linoleum floor was stained with splatters of black. The tables and cabinets were toppled over, the workspace in a state of disarray, save for the piece of equipment in the center of the room and the work table next to it.

A large tank stood from ceiling to floor, the inside of it was filled with water and an unconscious body. As the body shifted in its forced slumber, bubbles would occasionally rise from the bottom of the tank. Watching quietly the scene almost felt peaceful. The same type of peace one would feel when drowning and succumbing to the watery depths.

The serenity that only death could bring.

You felt yourself drift closer to the tank and a strange sensation filled you as you peered at the face of the slumbering person. A mask was pressed against their face, with a tube attached for oxygen while wires and smaller tubes were attached to their arms. Leaning closer you narrowed your eyes trying to figure out what exactly it was that you were seeing. After all it seemed almost as if...

Your eyes met those that resided inside the tank and you felt your stomach lurch slightly in fear and confusion as it dawned on you who it was. Their gaze wobbled as they weakly tried to move their body, shifting one of their hands to press against the glass.

To escape.

“Movement detected. Administering Midazolam and Propofol Ketamine... please stand by.”

An automated voice sounded from the machine in front of you and you watched as the body in the tank suddenly thrashed as fluids were injected into them. It was but a brief moment before you saw the dim light of consciousness in their eyes be once more snuffed out. The body once more floating stagnantly, limp and lifeless.

“My little fool...”

A familiar voice spoke behind you and you felt a chill race up your spine. Turning cautiously you looked at the man that spoke, but found his gaze was not on you but on the person in the tank.

For the person in the tank was you.

Lucien slowly strode up to the tank, his gaze focused on it like an artist admiring their work. The clothes he donned were unlike those he usually wore, the color of his current suit was light in its hue yet eerie all the same. It…. it reminded you of….

“A perfect world… just for the two of us…”

He lifted one of his hands and lightly pressed his palm against the glass, the glimmer of madness in his eyes erratic in a controlled way. 

“Evol detected. Analyzing… Welcome Back, Lucien.”

The automated voice spoke once more and Lucien hummed in response, not sparing a glance away from the sleeping body as he continued.

“Update me on her progress.”

There was a noise of a processor whirling briefly before the automated voice responded. “Evol extraction is at 71% and running smoothly, however an anomaly was detected approximately ten minutes ago. Signs of Evol fluctuation and burnout were registered and recorded with the times marked.”

Lucien’s brows drew together and he paused a moment before speaking. “How much longer till it is complete?”

“Estimated time remaining is thirty minutes.”

“.....and what of the Black Queen?”

Another low hum of machinery and a crackle of static before the automated voice responded.

“The autopsy report has revealed a genetic array that can be used in aiding Evol extraction.”

“Oh? Continue.”

“The deceased body of the Black Queen has provided the necessary replacement tissue and blood needed for Evol extraction. With the unique DNA her body has provided, the hypothetical Evol transfer is possible.”

“In what form?”

“A single injection with the Queen’s Evol will be all that is required. Once extraction is completed, the Evol and Queen’s gene will be compiled for use and record keeping.”

Lucien’s lips quirked up into a thin smile.

“Excellent. Inform me when it’s finished, as I will be the recipient of the injection…”

You shook slightly, the words and implication behind them making your heart sink. In this place, this world, this future… Lucien had killed the Black Queen… and confined you… and was going to take your Evol…?

Why?

Why had this happened?

You wanted to reach out to ask, but the man before you was someone that had given up hope and control. Someone that feared losing you so much that he snapped. The current situation would be frightening if it were not so completely tragic.

As you realized the cause of all of this your heart thudded with a singular goal in mind.

You’d save him. You’d save him from his worst enemy.

Himself.

Bleak.

Yet bittersweet.

As Lucien was going to stand up and leave you to sleep in peace he felt a gentle warmth wrap around his wrist, causing his eyes to instinctively flicker up to yours at the sudden movement.

For a brief moment you merely looked at him, your tired eyes looking into his. The emotion that swirled in their depths was easy to see and understand. The adoration and love he saw… it was almost a reflection of his own for you. 

His heart skipped as he watched you sit up and draw him close. Your touch was like a magical remedy, it pushed away the worries and concerns like the sun dispersing clouds on a hot summer day. It was only when you were away that the dark temptations were no longer held at bay. 

As you held him he held you in turn, his eyes falling shut as he laid his head on your shoulder. No longer was music playing in the apartment, only comfortable silence remained as you brushed away the demons that lurked in his head.

“Lucien…”

He felt his heart seize as you whispered his name. You sounded… somber. Reluctantly he pulled away, the ever familiar calm smile on his face as he replied. His mind on auto-pilot, pretending as if his mental tranquility had never been threatened by the very woman that sat in front of him.

“Yes? What can I do for my little fool?”

“Lucien.”

He held off the reflex to flinch, your tone slipping further from that familiar sweetness, to something forlorn. As if you knew something he didn’t want you to know. Few times had this occurred before but in every instance…

He didn’t respond this time, but held an even gaze as you looked at him with sympathy and melancholy. It made him frown, he hated to see you sad, even more so when he was the cause of it. You were an existence he wanted to protect from all that was wrong in the world.

...Including himself.

“No.”

He blinked and watched as you shook your head. Had he accidently spoken that aloud? As he scrambled to make an excuse for himself he was caught off guard when you leaned up and embraced him once more. 

“Lucien, it’s okay. You don’t need to worry anymore. Everything is going to be okay… I’m not going anywhere. I promise.” You pulled him down slightly and laid his head over where your heart was. “Can you feel that? It’s my heart beating… Sometimes it slows down and other times it picks up speed…”

“Just because something behaves differently doesn’t mean that it’s no longer the same.”

He felt a strange ball of emotion swell in the back of his throat, and merely murmured in response, but didn’t miss the reassuring gaze you gave him. “The world may be harsh, but the very same world gave me you… and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. Not for peace nor power…”

A soft laugh that reminded him of the early mornings he’d spent with you rumbled in your chest and he couldn’t stop a small smile from gracing his face. “I suppose in that respect we both are quite selfish, aren’t we?” He lifted one of your hands, chastely kissing your wrist. “As I feel the same, I wouldn’t trade you for anything in this world or beyond…”

Lucien felt a weight lift off his shoulders at your words and his own. Communication was always an important thing…. when had he gotten so caught up in himself that he neglected how he appeared to you? This would need to be rectified immediately…

“My silly girl, what is your wish for Christmas?”

He watched your expression change as you thought it over, clearly you were taking it seriously which made him want to fill your wish all the more.

“I… I want you to promise me something.”

He rose a brow but nodded his head for you to continue.

“I… want you to promise not to lose faith in me. Or this world.”

It dawned on him what your words meant and he felt his heart waver. For you to say such a thing… you must have seen something in your dreams. A possible future perhaps… in which he…

Ah. He had done something, hadn’t he?

With a sigh he nodded his head, this being one of the few times where he’d struggled with your requests. “I promise you that I will never lose faith…”

You smiled and he felt his heart start to race. He would cherish you until the day he died, but he wouldn’t try to clip your beautiful wings, no matter how tempted he might become.

A promise is a promise after all.

“In return, Lucien, what would you like for Christmas?”

A calm sort of tranquility overcame him as he thought of his request. The desire to tease or be honest fighting on the tip of his tongue.

But in the end he lost to his heart.

“You. My silly girl… all I could ever want is you.”

[stylesnews]

On November 18, 2019, a website promoting a mysterious place called Eroda (“No Land Quite Like It”) arrived on the internet. Two days later, the official Twitter account for this fictional frown-shaped island began teasing local seaside attractions. You may have missed it, depending on which corners of the internet you choose to lurk, but not if you were a Harry Styles fan, a group that went into pure overdrive trying to figure out what it all meant.

I, for one, missed it at the time. I was unaware this account was cryptically quote tweeting fans as they tried to piece together what was happening, what it meant, and what it could be connected to (Greek Mythology and Lost were a couple of theories posed in comments, Twitter threads, and Reddit). Meanwhile, the Columbia Records marketing department had been hard at work for months, devising this specific and highly-detailed campaign around the music video for Styles’ second single, “Adore You” from his second solo album, Fine Line, ever since he shot the video in Scotland in August 2019 (Eroda = Adore backwards — clever!).

But it was all leading up to the morning of Friday, December 6 when the video was released, one week before the full-length album arrived. Up until that point, I had never seen an entire Harry Styles music video, but what happened next was inevitable. Somehow, as a self-proclaimed boy band scholar, I had never paid much attention to One Direction. I kept a distant eye on Styles since they disbanded, intrigued by the decisions he was making in his solo career. But I hadn’t yet realized I’d been in the ring all throughout the fall of 2019, fighting to resist the inevitable fascination that awaited. First came the jab of Rob Sheffield’s Rolling Stone profile, followed by the cross of “Lights Up”, a song that cracked my Top 20 most listened to songs of the year despite being released just two months before Spotify so thoughtfully compiled that personalized playlist. Then there was the hook of his SNL hosting stint in November (and bless you Bowen Yang for that Sara Lee sketch), which then leads us to the “Adore You” video, the uppercut and ultimate TKO. I surrendered in what felt like a near instant. I was now a Harry Styles fan. (If we’re following this analogy, I sat up to spit out some blood after seeing that cover of “Juice” before my head quickly hit the mat again with a loud thud).

Maybe it’s not quite remarkable that I took time out of a Friday morning to watch a music video, but that I sat at my desk, in an office, with other people around (back when we did those kinds of things) and proceeded to wipe away a few tiny tears from under my eyes by the end of it, was an experience I had not been through… maybe ever? In a world of lyric videos and TikToks, actual, thoughtful, impactful music videos with a full (and sweet!) story are about as rare as a glowing and growing fish these days.

Ultimately, “Adore You” does everything a music video should do. In nearly eight minutes, this video uses excellent visual effects in a cool and interesting way, tells a compelling and heartfelt story, is anchored by an irresistible leading man and an adorable sidekick, is backed up by the catchiest song you could ever dream of, and culminates with a touching and hopeful ending. It’s a treat for the eyes and the ears and the soul. It’s innovative and the kind of thing that begs you to watch it more than once to catch all the details (and yes, I do tear up every time).

So one would think that an award show with the specific purpose of celebrating this type of creativity would be extra sure to nominate such a charming and effective clip, but alas, “Adore You” was overlooked in the MTV Video Music Awards main categories this year. Of course, some could argue that that fact only adds to the video’s credibility but I’ll do my best to not be that petty as I’m still rooting for it to win in the three technical categories where it picked up nominations: Best Visual Effects by Mathematic, Best Art Direction by Laura Ellis Cricks, and Best Direction by Dave Meyers, who remains one of the most inventive and influential directors of all time and whose videos with artists such as Missy Elliot, Pink, and Kendrick Lamar have been racking up nominations for nearly 20 years now. He also saw four other videos he directed get recognized this year: Normani’s “Motivation” (Best Chorography), Travis Scott’s “Highest in the Room” (Best Hop Hop and Best Visual Effects), Anderson .Paak’s “Lockdown” (Video For Good), and Camila Cabello feat. DaBaby’s “My Oh My” (Best Cinematography).

But I reached out to Meyers to specifically ask about the intricate details of “Adore You” and how it all came to be; how he captured such a vibe with the overcast and dreary weather, mixed so wonderfully with the charming oddities of the people that make up this world of Eroda. In addition to directing the video, he also co-wrote the story with Chris Shafer and said, “It’s the first idea that popped to mind after the first listen to the song, and the first idea I pitched to Harry. It was a story that underscored my understanding of what Harry stood for and felt it was necessary to tell it as a narrative to convey his optimism.”

The extended version of the video starts with a two-and-a-half-minute introduction to the world of Eroda, narrated by Rosalia. This includes the “peculiar” people and their professions on the island, meeting The Boy (Styles) and his glowing smile that most people try to avoid, and the quirky superstitions these people continue to live by. “It all served a purpose,” Meyers said of the details. “The superstitions were a set up for how society generally reacts to different things. They fear change or oddity, even if it’s what’s best for them.”

Meyers, however, did not share in that fear, as much of this video provided for interesting and new opportunities he had yet to experience throughout his decades-long career, which he listed off: ”Compelling narrative, CG character, remote location, Scottish crew (nothing fazed them),” also noting that all of the other characters in the video were locals as well. So perhaps they were less fazed by the atmosphere across the four-day shoot in Scotland, but as Meyers recalled, the “weather was nuts. It rained every 20 minutes, then the sun, then cloud over.”

However, it’s likely that Mother Nature is also a Styles fan, as Meyers recalled, “I seem to remember going up on the hill for Harry’s picnic with the fish and being worried that it was so gloomy. By the time we came to shoot, the sun came out. And then the sun went away as soon as the scene was over. Similarly, we had the worst storm when Harry was contemplating suicide at the start. Pouring rain, drenching him. So I guess in that sense it was fun watching how Scotland provided a backdrop for the emotions we were after.”

And hey, at least they had the weather on their side to add to the mood while shooting the video, as one of their main characters, well, didn’t exist. “It was very odd shooting with no fish,” Meyers admitted. “But was quite rewarding later seeing it dropped in and making empathic sense to the story we were after.”

Of course, the main character they did have on hand is an awfully useful and appealing one at that. Fans became enamored with the moment Styles uses the back of his hand to check the temperature of a coffee pot before dumping the fish inside the water so it could stay alive. I asked Meyers about this particular moment and he said, “The problem we had was apparent when Harry ran in and threw the fish in the pot. We all sorta felt — well, what if it was hot? So I believe Harry improvised that as a solution and we felt it was perfect for the character’s sensitivity and consideration for this poor fish.” And that’s not the only nice thing he does for his fish friend — he also serves him a tiny taco! “The taco was a whimsical way to express friendship between Harry and the fish,” Meyers offered. It looked pretty tasty, too.

The entire video serves as a showcase for what Styles does best and what makes him such a unique artist: his music, his acting, and his charisma, which Meyers knew would offer him a lot to work with. “Harry is a leading man. I felt that from my first meeting and wanted to play with his wonderful range of emotions. So finding a story with a real character arc was part of my focus in building this world.” Meyers described working on “Adore You” as an “all-around memorable shoot: awesome location, lovely Harry, compelling story, great effects, and… it worked.”

It did. And it was a risk: a video this complex and detailed (and one has to assume, costly), attached to a marketing campaign that proved to be even more involved, still came with no guarantee that the fans wouldn’t shrug it off. But as Manos Xanthogeorgis, SVP of Digital Marketing & Media at Columbia Records told Billboard last year, “When you have a video and a piece of art at such a level, it’s an incredible challenge for the rest of the team to build a campaign at that same level of artistry and creativity.” Oh, and that was only step one, as the marketing team engaged in “real-time marketing” with fans online, ensuring they would continue to remain engaged by dropping clues and clips in the lead-up to the video premiere and subsequently the album. “This whole campaign was around mystery and sometimes mystery is more powerful than knowledge,” Xanthogeorgis said. The Twitter handle has remained active throughout 2020, used as a continual marketing tool for Styles’ next videos including the Meyers-directed “Falling” and this summer’s hit, “Watermelon Sugar.”

With that kind of fan engagement, “Adore You” seemed like a no-brainer for the fan-voted categories of the VMAs this year, as they surely would’ve turned out to vote just as feverishly for this video as they did when searching for clues (about a made-up island, at that!). But hey, maybe MTV was just not interested in massive fan engagement this year — after all, it’s not like everything Styles does, including growing freakin’ facial hair, has the internet in a tizzy for weeks. Ultimately, as the impact of music videos (and certainly the ceremony celebrating them) continues to lose relevance, the disregard of this specific project simply feels like a missed opportunity to acknowledge a rare achievement in the art form.

While Meyers was sure to describe his inclusion in the VMA nominations this year as “lovely and flattering” (and he better have a moonperson in his possession this time next week, MTV!) it’s still puzzling why “Adore You” wouldn’t be included in the big categories, considering Styles is squarely within their demo, at the very least. That “Adore You” is also a technical and storytelling masterpiece, as well as a full moment that was used as inspiration both for the experience online and in-person at the Fine Line Spotify listening party last December, that also comes packed with one of the most enthusiastic groups of fans around, well, that should have had the entire network drooling.

Of course, some of this can simply be chalked up to a perfect storm. As far as his singles go, “Lights Up” was a nice appetizer, but “Adore You” remains the delicious entree (you already know what’s for dessert). “Adore You” is a perfect pop record if I’ve ever heard one (and I have) and deserved a special video. A Chris Isaak “Wicked Game” sexy vibe wasn’t going to work here. The song tells the story of such passionate, pure, and heartachingly naive and innocent love that it almost had to be directed toward a non-human being. Instead, Styles chose to inject those same carefree, sweaty, sticky, delicious, whimsical beach vibes into the “Watermelon Sugar” clip, which was the right choice, and not just for the summertime season (MTV has since added the Song of Summer category to the VMAs and included “Watermelon Sugar”).

But it’s “Adore You” that has melodies that bring a smile to the faces of babies, get your toes tapping even when you hear it in the dentist’s chair, and likely has my neighbors rolling their eyes when I sing along to it in the shower. The song is so simple it’s deep, a theme reflected in the video, as is the central reminder to help and care for others, a thoroughly 2020 message.

However, not all is lost. Both “Adore You” and “Watermelon Sugar” continue to rack up major spins at radio with the latter hitting number one on the Billboard charts earlier this month. Grammy voting kicks off at the end of September and Academy members should take note. Not only is Fine Line more than worthy of being acknowledged, but having Styles on hand to potentially collect trophies and perform is in your best interest when it comes to viewers and online chatter. Do not wait to take him seriously. This is the album, this is the time. Prove that you aren’t a bunch of stodgy old white men who think he’s just for teen (and um, thirty-something) girls, but that you understand the music he enjoys, is inspired by, and subsequently makes, is the same rock music you appreciate as well. An artist like Styles can be both of those things at the same time, and really, the best of both worlds. Give the album a listen, and then one more to let it all sink in. If you have not yet succumbed to the force that is Harry Styles fandom, I truly can’t recommend it enough — and please know that it will get you eventually. 

[geekkatsblog]

Grey's Anatomy Review 17x3

A truly emotional episode, also Where the heck was Dr Perez, I missed you come back.

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(Meredith Grey)

The belle of the ball for this episode, Meredith. Hasn't she been through enough? They were plenty of other doctors who haven't been tortured yet. But then again without her getting Covid we probably wouldn't have been treated to the Derek scene and possible cameos from other beloved characters. I loved every bit of the scenes on the beach even though I found myself wishing she would pass out some more so I could get even more Derek scenes, I mean you can't blame me they even played the MerDer song, but at the same time I was glad she couldn't get to him stay out of his arms Mer, you can't die no matter how much I want to witness a merder hug or kiss. It hurt my heart to see how broken everyone was, especially for Webber and Bailey who have both had to see her on the verge of death and pull her back from the brink of death way too many times. Ellis is adorable I hope she has many more scenes to come in future episodes and how cute is her nickname Ellie Belly. And she definitely did the right thing giving Webber her POA, he knows when to let go but will still fight like hell if he knows there's a chance of you living.

The scene with McWidow and her was adorable as well, my shipping levels for the two of them have gone up some more as well, but I did think it was too soon for him to be offering to be her POA if he wasn't just joking because I'll admit I wasn't sure if he was serious or not but after knowing her for such a short while not to mention his feelings that are beyond the friendly level for her, he would have done the extraordinary measures that Meredith wouldn't really want to try to save her. He's already invested.

The scenes with her and Richard were so wholesome he was the father she never had. He has loved and supported her from the beginning, their relationship is strong and one built on trust and hes right we do need Meredith Grey. The scene with Bailey was cute as well how she came to talk about changing her POA but switched to talking about her super risky surgery while practically on the verge of tears instead when she saw the previous conversation was making Meredith nervous.

Then there's Amelia and Maggie who have also been sitting on the edge of their seats praying for her to be alright. Wish I'd seen more scenes with the three sisters interacting a bit but the ones we did get were heartfelt and heartwarming.

On an unrelated note when she was trying to get to Derek but face planted into the sand instead was hilarious girl fell like a starfish.

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Tom Koracick

Not gonna lie for a good chunk of this episode I was started to dislike Tom. I love his character for some weird reason but at times his less than flattering attitude gets irritating, but then I realized that he has to be going through some stuff right now between the whole Teddy and Owen and him situation, the $100000 in booties incident and then he was fired from his job as chief of all chiefs. It's been a rough time for him and while that definitely does not excuse what he did to the new doctors it did make me a little more sympathetic to his rude attitude especially when he confessed to Richard that he didn't think he was a good teacher. And then the ultimate kick when you're down he received the news that he had Covid from literally the worst person they could have sent at that time.

Now don't get me wrong Koracick is a douche and all but he definitely is not going to get the same care that Meredith is getting, but Owen just told him to head home and stay there I know he's A symptomatic and all but even they can develop lung damage from Covid and he has no one there who really cares for him like that and will more than likely have to recover on his own without someone there to check up on him and he definitely doesn't have the same drive to live. Why can't he also have a hospital bed. Keep the same energy for everyone you're all on the same team at this point. When will everyone finally accept him into the club, this isn't the first time someone in that hospital has cheated.

Moving on to other things, I'm so excited to hear him say that he has to get over Teddy because he really does, especially because in the end Teddy is probably going to choose Owen, it's always Owen, but I'm not crossing my fingers about him staying away from her this time, because I've heard him say it before and now with him having Covid I think Teddy is going to be that one person who will visit him so she's not staying away from him anytime soon.

Might just be me but I'm sensing something might happen between him and the doctor that told him off earlier. Idk that's usually how most relationships on Grey's starts with the doctor offending the new comer but IDK.

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Owen

Is currently ignoring Teddy as he should be. She's just trying to talk to him as though nothing happened. The way he delivered that news to Koracick though could have been done better. I know he hates Tom right now but he could be a little more sympathetic he literally just told the man he has a life threatening disease and just said it like I know you have a flu that can kill you but go home and stay away from people, as though he has a common cold or a simple flu. This is someone who is a doctor who works with you saving lives in a pandemic and sure you don't have to like him but you do have to be on his team. Owen has cheated twice and yes this time it happened to him and yes he has a right to be pissed but have some compassion man.

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Teddy

Needs to stay away from Tom she only really attempted to talk to him after Owen gave her the cold shoulder, and she surely can't expect him to forget everything that happened so quickly and move on as though none of it ever happened. And like I said earlier she should let go of Tom and let him move on because at this point we all know she's going to pick Owen, it's always been Owen. I know I said at one point she should be with Tom but right now that feeling is gone I really don't think they're right for each other as much as I did before. And lastly I need her to figure herself out because she's treating the real MVP here and if she let's Anything happen to Meredith Grey after she survived the unimaginable she's going to have the whole hospital on her back and I will be mentally killing her as well because no boo not my Meredith.

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Richard Webber

Is now Meredith's POA and as I said earlier I couldn't agree more, hes the best person for the job. And I'm so happy for him being the chief of chiefs he seems genuinely happy again and I'm also happy that Koracick handed the job of training the doctors to him again because the man's right. Training the doctors is a gift and Richard surely has that gift. Enjoyed seeing him bring the doctors into the operating theater and giving the speech, it's been a while.

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Jo Wilson

Has really been having the work piled on her recently between Meredith having Covid and the mess of the pandemic itself she's been buried in work, and I'm so proud of her finally looking like a true grown attending in my eyes and she's doing great. The way she's been looking at babies of lately is adorable, I'm wondering which line they're intending to take her down with her new found love of babies. She doesn't have that much of a plot at the moment which is a good thing because at the moment having a plot includes having a positive Covid test.

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Bailey

Is seeing her last remaining duckling near death and is torn up about it. She sounded near tears when she was talking to her about the POA issue. She doesn't really have that much of a plot either which is especially good in her case because the Plot includes Covid and she actually has a preexisting heart problem so it would be very unlikely that it would work out in her favor. Watching her pride at seeing Richard doing his press conference was nice even though at first it seemed like she was a little upset about him being her boss again but she'll get over it.

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Deluca

Was seen way too little with Meredith in this episode they even gave Mcwidow time with her Deluca was only there for work which I found ridiculous, yes he had that one scene where he was grilling Teddy but that's not enough. That love triangle between him Mcwidow and Meredith is being formed as we speak. On another note I'm so glad to see him back to work again and healthy again and he's an attending I might have missed it but does he have a specialty because I've been trying to pinpoint it and I can't is it cardio? I guess I'll figure it out eventually.

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Maggie

Is understandably panicking she can't be Meredith's doctor because not only is she her sister but she is way too involved. When she asked Teddy of she was alright enough to work Meredith's case broke me. The pain in her voice and face, she feels so much and has been crying the whole episode, Thank God for Winston, he's been an anchor for her. I can't wait until they're able to be with each other physically instead of just talking on the screen. I wish them the best of luck.

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Jackson

Carrying on the work and teachings of Mark Sloan, and just existing really no plot at the moment as it has been for a while, and we weren't even blessed with Harriet this time but there was Ellis so I'll allow it.

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Link

Being a good boyfriend and father as usual. Hes so sweet, thoughtful and caring.

He also does not have a plot other than being a kickass partner and father and he better not have a plot any time soon either.

Amelia

Currently is just being a great mother and aunt with jo other plots which I am also happy for because it means neither of my babies are in the Covid plot circle so far, they're safe for now. Amelia seems so happy. I'm glad for her hope her joy can continue but knowing Grey's it probably isn't going to last for too much longer.